• Dear Dad

    by  • December 14, 2016 • Family Stuff • 1 Comment

    I haven’t thought of you in a while. To be honest I try not to think of you at all. I spent the last 20+ years trying to fix what you broke inside me. Up until the last year it hasn’t been going so well, but, I would never admit that to anyone. Up until then I hated you. It’s hard to accept an apology I know I will never get, but it’s taught me the real meaning of strength.
    I often wonder what happened to you as a boy that could make you grow up into the monster that you are. Who hurt you so bad that you had to turn yourself from the victim to the predator? These are questions I will live without ever knowing, mostly because to answer my questions honestly you would have to admit what you did wrong, but also because I would rather shove rusty forks in my ears than listen to your excuses.
    Because of you I’ve never been able to trust men. I have pushed a lot of people out of my life because I’d rather hurt myself than let anyone, especially a man, hurt me. Most of my relationships were toxic. I’ve been with men who used me, men who abused me, men who cheated on me, because I never felt good enough for anyone. Most days I still don’t feel good enough.
    After Mom died I knew what us kids were in for. After all, she often took the blows for us. My sister and I, I’m sure you know which one I’m talking about, have learned to laugh over the wicked things that happened in that house because that’s just how fucked up we are. Often my family, maternal side of course since your family up until the last few years wanted nothing to do with me, comments on how “strong” I am. I didn’t cry or show much of any emotion because I refused to be weak. Only learning in the last year or so that feeling nothing doesn’t make you strong.
    Believe it or not I do have some things to thank you for. Thank you for never loving me, I learned how important it is not only to tell people you love them but to show it. Thank you for all the beatings, I have learned that physical pain only lasts a while, it’s that mental shit that takes years to work out. Thank you for telling me I was stupid, fat, ugly, etcetera, I learned that beauty whether inside or out is always better when you find it yourself. Thank you for all the horrible things you did, as I’m not sure I could be the compassionate, caring human being I am today without being shown the worst of how humans can be. But most of all thank you for showing me what I never want to become.
    I wish I could say this will be the last time I think of you, but your memory haunts all the dark corners of my mind. This will, however, be the last time I write to you, or give you any control over my emotions. Take care. And by take care I mean go fuck yourself.

    One Response to Dear Dad

    1. A stranger
      February 6, 2017 at 4:58 am

      To say i love this is probably the wrong wording, but I hope it gave you some closure.

      I hope things move on for you, I hope you find peace and success.
      I hope that the lowest scum no longer has control over you.

      All the best
      A stranger x

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