You know theres not a category for “Mixed Emotions”. But thats what I usually feel for you about you. Sometimes some of the feelings are much stronger than the others. Sometimes, like now, theyre relatively even. But theyre always there. So rather than try to focus on one, maybe I can give you a sample of several.
I feel like I have to say something profound, to make you understand or realize something. How about, if you want me to have more self-esteem, that would require me to accept that I deserve so much better than the way you’ve treated me. If you want me to be more confident, that would require me to have success in my endeavors…which Ive never remotely had in my pursuit of you. If you want me to be more of a man, that would require that you treat me like that, which you don’t. You see, the things you want from me…you’re the one who prevents it from happening. And I gotta say, that makes me pretty frustrated.
Sometimes, I really can’t believe I’ve loved you for so long after the things youve done to me. No provocation, you just hurt me time and time again because you knew you could. Maybe you were bored, maybe you just wanted to fight even though you knew I didn’t. But the thing that really gets me, is, you’ve never tried to heal the rift you created. The distance you put between us, youve never tried to close it. Even still, Ive contacted you many times, but no response. Ive looked for you all over this city, but you dont want to be found. Makes it kinda hard for me to believe you care for me at all. I guess you could say Im a little pissed off.
When I look back on 2016, Ill remember…not much. Beyond my personal accomplishments, this year was a total loss for me, because I didnt see you or talk to you once. At least 2015 I can remember spending one night with you. 2016, nothing at all. Its been so long I feel like Ill never see you again. My life has no meaning without you, so right now life just seems so stupid and pointless. Thinking about it just makes me really sad.
The reason underlying all these emotions, and so many more, is quite simple. I love you so much. And I miss you in ways I would have never known possible before I met you. We both know it hasnt always been roses. But, the day comes and I can finally hold you in my arms and call you mine, it will all be worth it. I want to support you babe, in all ways, and provide for you, and mostly, just make you happy all the time. Nothing brings me greater joy than to bring a smile to your face. I can never forget that feeling no matter how long its been. So, while you do stir up a lot of emotions in me, I want you to know that the most powerful is always love.
Love, now and for always,