• College

    by  • December 13, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, School • 1 Comment

    Have you ever felt like a shell of a human?
    It all started in August. I was moving to college. I was dreaming of making so many friends and having all this fun, and having a great roommate. I told myself this often.

    October 25.
    Thats the day I broke down. My roommate was being less than great, partying, and making out with her boyfriend on the futon at 2 am.
    I went for a walk that ended with me sitting in my car. I cried for about a hour. Thing is I attended a depression keynote about a couple hours. I had never felt so alone. I called my mom, about to tell her I had a problem…..but I didn’t. I was a mess, I cried so much I was shivering and losing sense of reality. I cried myself to sleep for a few days. I hadn’t thought about self harm or suicide since middle school. I started to think about how many pills I’d have to take. I settled on the fact that it was a phase, I’m not really depressed, other people actually have it…I’m just sad, it will pass.

    It’s December. I usually love the season, and love decorating for Christmas. Now I’m just waiting for the semester to end because I don’t want to be on campus anymore. I haven’t really made any friends on campus and I don’t really think I belong, or that people care that I’m here. I’m just a number that will pay some money for an education. You’ll usually see me alone. On campus. Eating or walking alone. I have never felt so much self-loathe than, walking or sitting alone on campus. People seem to notice you more and judge you, always watching you as you move. I’m sure they know I don’t have any friends on campus. Not going to lie, I cried today writing this.

    Coming to campus, I had such enthusiasm for my major and life. Now, I feel broken, empty and alone. I’m unsure what I want to do anymore. With my major, or my life.

    One Response to College

    1. Chelle
      December 13, 2016 at 4:02 am

      Campus life isn’t for everyone but don’t give up on it. You have a normal butt for a roommate. Your not the only one who feels that way. Try saying hello to someone. It takes time to make friends. If your on campus join some of there clubs or do some volunteer work. Just stay positive and be open minded. Look around. Your not the only one who feels alone and unsure. Wish you luck to an educated future. 🙂

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