Have you ever felt like a shell of a human?
It all started in August. I was moving to college. I was dreaming of making so many friends and having all this fun, and having a great roommate. I told myself this often.
Thats the day I broke down. My roommate was being less than great, partying, and making out with her boyfriend on the futon at 2 am.
I went for a walk that ended with me sitting in my car. I cried for about a hour. Thing is I attended a depression keynote about a couple hours. I had never felt so alone. I called my mom, about to tell her I had a problem…..but I didn’t. I was a mess, I cried so much I was shivering and losing sense of reality. I cried myself to sleep for a few days. I hadn’t thought about self harm or suicide since middle school. I started to think about how many pills I’d have to take. I settled on the fact that it was a phase, I’m not really depressed, other people actually have it…I’m just sad, it will pass.
It’s December. I usually love the season, and love decorating for Christmas. Now I’m just waiting for the semester to end because I don’t want to be on campus anymore. I haven’t really made any friends on campus and I don’t really think I belong, or that people care that I’m here. I’m just a number that will pay some money for an education. You’ll usually see me alone. On campus. Eating or walking alone. I have never felt so much self-loathe than, walking or sitting alone on campus. People seem to notice you more and judge you, always watching you as you move. I’m sure they know I don’t have any friends on campus. Not going to lie, I cried today writing this.
Coming to campus, I had such enthusiasm for my major and life. Now, I feel broken, empty and alone. I’m unsure what I want to do anymore. With my major, or my life.