For starters, I have never considered any of you in any way family, family are the people you grew up around, who you have memories with, who’s been apart of your life, who you love and who you know. I have never known any of you, you have never been in any way shape or form a part of my life. My family has always been my dad’s family, and my sisters. They are the ones who’s opinions matter to me, who know me well enough to tell me things about my life. And they don’t, because they know me well enough to know that my only goal in life is to be happy, to be kind, to love others and treat them well, for I have not been treated well. This world needs positivity, it needs love.
But recently, everything has gone up in flames. I know how I’ve been talked about. I have been through so much, and I know the way my mother talks about me with you all. I am so grateful to not live with her anymore, I go towards better things, people who love me for me and don’t look at their picture of who I must be. I know at this point it’s no secret that I have my share of issues with anxiety, with post traumatic stress, with depression, and that I’m a lesbian. With the turn my life has taken and my recent falling out with my mother.
I don’t even talk to any of you. I suddenly was sent attacking text messages from my second half cousin, someone who I don’t even know. Telling me how I will amount to nothing, how I’m nasty, how I have done everything wrong. Saying how I am gay and that’s disgusting and how I’ve chosen to be. Insulting my anxiety.
It saddens me, not that I care about the opinion of my cousin. But that I know where all of that bullshit came from, the mouth of my mother. I know that at holiday dinner the subject is me, tearing me apart as though this world has not torn me up enough.
It saddens me that you believe calling me gay is an insult. It isn’t. It isn’t disgusting. It’s not something I’ve chosen. Am I actively trying to change that about myself? No, because I can’t. Am I comfortable in that aspect of myself, maybe even happy with it now? Yes. I am because I fought to get to this point, and now someone trying to use it to insult me does not work. It’s a problem though, because no one should go around trying to make someone feel less than over things they can’t control.
I’m just busy trying to make it in this world, like everyone else. You don’t know anything about me or my life. Or the reality of this entire situation. I am proud of myself. My family is as well. They look at me with a light in their eyes and tell me how I’ve made them proud. I return this light to them, because they deserve it. They love others based on the kind of people they are and how they treat them. They aren’t judgemental, they love. They show love to everyone unless they give them a real reason not to. This is why I consider them family, for they have earned the title.
Because I am so grounded in myself, and so comfortable in who I am, I don’t take offense. But people cannot be talked to as though they are less than you. Your attempt to hurt me did not work, but it could with someone else. Please think before you try to take someone off balance, for so many others are so unstable and cannot take ignorance. You could actually break them.
I don’t need your approval, or your love, because you never even tried to know me, even when I was presumably straight. You know nothing of my life yet as soon as there’s interesting gossip circling you suddenly believe you can have a say.
Please stay out of my world, for you have never had a space in it anyway.