I’ve always claimed to feel things deeply. Because I did for those past years of my life. I felt it all so intensely I feared at times I would pass out, that I could not stand, that I’d fall so hard and not be able to stand back up from all the pain I would feel. It wasn’t just pain, though. It was love. I was so in love for four years. Consumed by it. I believe that throughout that time frame, that love I was doused in, it created the intense emotions in all aspects of my life. Because it became the only aspect. The source of everything.
But having since leaving that place, and the person I loved, that intensity has left me. There is chaos everywhere, there is tragedy after tragedy. My world has changed. My life has become something I do not know. Everything has taken such a new turn, in a direction down a road I swear belongs to a dimension I never belonged in.
But here I am, throughout these things. These things that would’ve before weighed so heavily on me, but now I feel nothing. I am numb. I am under the influence of a full body novocaine injection. I don’t know what I feel. I believe it is from all of the traumas, the intensity that I used to feel has left me dry. There is nothing left in me for me to feel anything at all.
I miss it. I miss the awful state my world used to be in, but looks so easy now. Because at least she was there. At least I had that person who made my head spin with so much emotion that I thought I couldn’t bare it. It was an experience that rang me to my core, reached inside my being and made me forever anchored to that feeling. I lay awake at night, close my eyes, and beg my mind to take me back. To take me back to where I felt alive. To where the pain dug so deep into me that I could recognize contentment.
Now, I don’t know whats going on. I don’t know whats next. I can’t even predict it if I try. With my ability to think things through, to analyze, to see, it has left me and I have never felt so blind or so left in the dark. I don’t know where I want to be. I don’t know where I am.
All I know is I want to feel again. I want to feel something, anything, to bring me out of this fog. I tried to pull someone from my past back in. I tried to make myself feel something. I felt nothing, portrayed it as though I did, and was even rejected from that and now I’m back at square one. It was an attempt to feel pain, to feel love, to feel anything other then what I feel now.
I am grateful for the rejection, for it gave me a burn. That in itself made it worth it. That day where I believed I felt love made it worth it. I could feel the feelings trying to break into my robotic outer armor. However fleeting, however faint.
I have become a machine, an unfeeling robot. I never thought this would be me, I have become someone else entirely. Just when I thought I had become exactly who I was, I change even more. It is never ending. My gift yet curse of strong emotions has left me, and I’m so lost.
I am travelling alone, trying to find a safe haven, a part of this world that I actually belong in. I am half in and half out, trying to find the right door.
I will take back my rightful place on this earth, and I will not stop fighting to get there.