• Conversations with Myself

    by  • December 7, 2016 • Depression • 6 Comments

    Me1: I wish I could just stay happy. Its so fleeting when I am.

    Me2: Don’t kid yourself, you’re never happy. You just pretend you are so people dont ask you awkward questions.

    Me1: Maybe you’re right. But I do want to be happy. Doesn’t that count for something?

    Me2: It makes it even worse. You cant have what you want. Familiar refrain, no?

    Me1: Yeah it is. But at least I have hope it will get better.

    Me2: Do you? Should you? When are you going to face reality and accept the truth?

    Me1: What do you mean?

    Me2: You’ve lived long enough to know what to expect from life. Why do you think things are going to to get better?

    Me1: Because I’m a good person, at least I try to be.

    Me2: No, no, no. What you are, is a fucking loser.

    Me1: Thats not true. I have a good job.

    Me2: What the job your work at all day long that doesnt even pay you enough to pay your rent?

    Me1: Well, yeah, but I’m smart and I’ll do better eventually.

    Me2: If you really were smart shouldn’t you be doing better now?

    Me1: I can’t be a loser. She loves me!

    Me2: LMAO. Always comes back to her huh? If she loves you why haven’t you see her in a year and a half?

    Me1: You know why. She’s with someone now, but someday she’ll want to be with me, I know it.

    Me2: She was right, you really are delusional. She could have been with you and she chose someone else. She didnt love you then, she certainly doesnt now. She probably doesnt even remember who you are.

    Me1: She remembers me, she has to!

    Me2: Why? Because you think she writes you anonymous letters on a random website you never discussed with her? Because throughout your religious social media stalking of her you thought you saw some ‘signs’? Face it, if she ever loved you she wouldnt have just abandoned you, cut off all communication, ignored your very existence, and left you so utterly alone. And more than anything else, thats what you are isnt it? Completely alone.

    Me1: Yeah.

    Me2: Let me ask you a question. When was the last time you had sex?

    Me1: I…I dont remember.

    Me2: When was the last time you kissed someone?

    Me1: I dont remember.

    Me2: When was the last time you had a date? When was the last time you even texted a girl you were interested in?

    Me1: I dont remember.

    Me2: Well, its been a long time, huh? Dont you get it? How could you ever expect her to want to be with you? Nobody wants you. You’re ugly. You’re fat. You’re weird. You’re poor. There’s 4 billion women out there and none of them want you because you are so worthless.

    Me1: Maybe I am worthless. What should I do?

    Me2: Well, I’ve been telling you for years to kill yourself.

    Me1: I dont want to. It could never be bad enough for me to do that.

    Me2: I hope youre right. Tell you what. Why dont you get drunk again tonight. Watch some porn, masturbate, forget how lonely you are for a few minutes. Maybe when you wake up tomorrow all your problems will be gone.

    Me1: Ok Ill try.

    6 Responses to Conversations with Myself

    1. Anything but my real name
      December 7, 2016 at 4:09 pm

      You write beautifully, author
      Sad, funny, self depreciating
      Those qualities are a huge asset for anyone to have.
      Kindest thoughts to you x

    2. Hamsa
      December 7, 2016 at 7:30 pm

      As someone in a eerily similar mindset, I suggest you reach out to her. You aren’t alone, if people would just set their stupid phones down and fucking talk to one another, in a genuine way, they’d realize it. Also, even if she is with someone else, you can be her friend. Let her know what’s going on with you, I doubt it is unwelcome. As someone who loved someone once, it doesn’t just go away. They’ll always care about you to some extent. If she rejects you, read. Read any and everything. Books are the best escape because sometimes you’ll just stop thinking, also it gives you a chance to imagine something greater and better. Life sucks, but there is beauty in it. Try to find it. If you feel fat, exercise, focus on eating healthfully and drinking water. If you feel lazy, try to do one thing you find productive every day. Confront your fears and flaws with productive measures. While masturbation is great for endorphine release, so is exercise, so is writing, so is playing an instrument, so is learning a new language, so is x, y, and z. Find your passion, devote some time to it and you’ll be a master before you know it. I’m sorry your inner demon is winning right now, but cultivate yourself against it. But, really, reach out to the lady if you think she’s worth anything. Life will be over before you know it.

    3. Just me
      December 8, 2016 at 4:06 am

      No! You need to tell nr2 to fuck off! Tell HIM to stop haunting your thoughts. You are in controle, he has to leave, say it out loud! And repeat it every time he starts to talk. Trust me it will work. Hang in there, you are awesome! He just want to ruin you, Don’t let HIM, Don’t give HIM that power.

    4. Just me
      December 8, 2016 at 4:13 am

      And for a girl who is in the same position as the girl you write about: i’d say to the person I’m thinking about: Yes I am with him, yes I can’t be with you now because they need me here. But God only knows how much I long to be with you. How much I crave for a hug from you and to be able to see your smile in real life, god the way your smile in the last fb picture lights up my day is amazing. And Yes I am scared. Scared of missing out of the one thing that could make me happy, you! But choosing you would be so selfish, I’m not selfish. I hope you understand.

    5. Just me
      December 8, 2016 at 4:49 am

      I just wrote a whole reply and its gone ????

    6. HBG
      December 8, 2016 at 3:05 pm

      Me 1 & Me 2 .. who are you both? Why are’nt you then reaching out to the girl you refer to in your conversations… if she does care she will respond no matter what. There’s ways to contact – email, phone, text, Facebook, or via any other social media accounts. You could be the winner? Think of it like that.

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