It’s been about 5 months since we broke up and in a lot of ways, I moved on months ago. However, there are still parts of our intense but short lived romance that leave me wondering to this day. I decided to reopen communication with you about a month and a half ago, because I hoped we could at least begin to be friendly with one another again. I honestly was surprised when I initially got a response back from you so quickly and the interaction seemed positive, but it seemed to stop there until I heard from you again a few weeks later.
Just so you know, I never contacted you in hopes of rekindling things. I simply wanted to let you know that I’ve forgiven you for what happened in the past and in a strange way, I wanted to express my gratitude. I faced a lot of my demons and finally began to take care of them after we parted ways. While we were still together, I often felt like a was staring into a mirror and I was seeing a reflection of the things I didn’t like about myself. I don’t think many other people could of done that for me, so I’m thankful that I met you.
While I’ve moved on and I’m in a good place overall, there is still one aspect that still hurts. I honestly don’t know if you just think I’m naive or if you feel too guilty to actually reveal the truth to me. I know you were dishonest with me. In the beginning, you omitted the fact that you were fresh out of a relationship where you were living with your ex. When I dug deeper into some of the facts that didn’t add up and I discovered the truth, you went out of your way to tell me that I wasn’t a rebound and that your relationship had been emotionally dead for months before you finally left. I admit that I was extremely suspicious of you because of these things and I held back initially to protect myself. You mentioned early on that you were emotionally unavailable, which I respected. I didn’t take our interaction too seriously at first although, I did grow fond of you fairly quickly. Despite all of this, you chased me extremely hard. You were constantly trying to get my attention and gave me the impression that you had fallen head over heels in love with me. You were bringing me gifts, giving me compliments, and we had great sexual chemistry as well. I felt like no topic was off limits with you and that I could talk to you about anything. I made some great memories with you and in a way, I do still wish we could of done many of things that we talked about and never got a chance to do.
Having said that, all of those great times were scattered with strange behavior and occurrences before things got extremely rocky in the last month or so. I couldn’t see it clearly at the time because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt and my trust, but I see it now.
The guy “Z”, who you said was your stock trading friend was actually your ex. I saw him text you while we were sitting next to each other in that cabin on vacation. I now believe that’s the real reason you broke down in tears later that evening. I think you probably lied because of your own guilt but that’s speculation on my part. I think from that point on you were starting to slowly rekindle things with him, while you were in a relationship with me. You made references to him and his sick grandmother. You told me that you and your ex would break up and get together a lot when you fought to justify breaking up and getting back together with me after we had a fight. Then finally came that night when something was just off. You had sent me an unusual amount of nice texts throughout that day and I had told you that I was going to call you later on that evening. Instead you called me and your voice was shaking. You sounded scared and told me you were going home early from your normal monday night routine because you had a terrible migraine. Then after being a chatty cathy all day, you went radio silent. I sent you an appreciative text for all the nice things you had said earlier in the day 30 minutes after we got off the phone. Absolutely nothing for 2 hours. I became worried because it wasn’t like you and something in my gut was just telling me that something was off. I ended up calling you at that point and got no response. I got worried and drove over to your place to make sure you were alright. Only to discover that your car wasn’t there. I became even more worried and began to blow up your phone. Eventually you ignored one of my attempts. After that I was livid. I ended up leaving you a voicemail and dumping you having felt completely deceived.
I felt like an asshole the next morning when you responded. You convinced me that I was completely overreacting and that you had gone to your parents house to spend the night because of how crappy you were feeling. We talked about it and you convinced me that I was wrong. You even offered to show me your phone logs to prove to me that what you said was true. Really, I was just a man in love with a woman who continuously told me that she felt the same way and I had felt betrayed. We made up and you continued to lie to me about what was really going on.
You see, a week later we were once again trying to patch things up and I decided I actually wanted to see your phone just for proof. What you said about that particular night was true, but I also happened to see that “Z” person again on the Thursday night before you blindsided me with another out of the blue breakup. Once again I thought it was weird, but it wasn’t the a-ha moment. That came months later. However, I was truly tired of the chaotic mess that our relationship had become and was ready to be done.
The a-ha moment came months later when I decided to take a stroll down memory lane and drive by my grandma’s old house. While I was over there, I decided to go one street over where 2 of my childhood friends had lived and where I used to play all the time as a child. As I’m driving by, I saw a very familiar car with a very familiar bumper sticker. Then it dawned on me that I was pretty close to where you said you and your ex used to live together. That was the moment when I realized everything. I confirmed it when I found out you were still in school through the school directory and your listed address was indeed where I saw the familiar car.
Initially, I was pretty pissed off. It was a revelation that someone who I thought I had been very close to had likely been deceiving me the majority of the time we had been together. It was even more disturbing to realize that you moved back in with your ex not too long after we finally ended. You had told me that he was a diagnosed sociopath, that he had cheated on you, and put you through some extremely emotionally abusive situations. That made the revelations worse. I didn’t know whether I should hate you or feel sorry for you.
In this present moment, I’ve come to terms with all of that. I’ve forgiven you for how shitty you treated me. I’m not looking to rekindle things but I would respect you a lot more if you could come clean to me and tell me the truth. The only thing that I’m still left wondering is if there was anything actually genuine between us. It certainly felt like there was to me. I felt a deeper connection with you than I did with some of the other women that I had been with for a much longer period of time.
Honestly, part of the reason I reached out to you is that I truly want that person that I met in the beginning to be real. I hope I wasn’t just being used to the fill the void of the breakup with your ex. I’m afraid that’s the truth though. I reached out to you because I thought I could try and be mature about everything that happened. If you don’t want to be with me, that’s fine. I would never want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. If the ex is the guy for you, then great. Things for us are pretty much beyond repair from a romantic standpoint anyway. I just wish you wouldn’t of been so shady about it and could of been honest about it, if that’s how you felt. Perhaps, you were truly conflicted. At the end of the day, I would just like to resolve wether or not the good memories I still hold are even valid. I’ve accepted that I might not ever know though.
Unfortunately, for now I can only take your long periods of silence as a sign of how little I ever meant to you. If that’s the truth, I seriously hope for your sake that you never lead anyone on like that again. Were all human and we all make mistakes, myself included.