Hi Thomas, it’s M.
If you found your way to this letter, I’m glad. I want you to know that I understand and I accept your silence, and I believe it is necessary for what you and I are trying to accomplish. I respect your distance, and I think for your life to truly be better the distance must remain. Sometimes I fantasize about us meeting up in the future, as better versions of ourselves. Less needy, more understanding, more truthful. But despite your changes, I know that my goal would be determined before I would arrive, and I would happily try to undermine all of your progress to the detriment of my own sanity as well. I look for you often in airports, sometimes imagining that you’ll be on one of my flights and write me a note (how silly). Sometimes I imagine that you or I would be with our families and we would just glance at each other, and go on our way and try not to outwardly display our discomfort/curiosity.
I can feel you thinking about me while somewhere in Boston, and I can sense you straining against your well worn habits to become a different kind of man. I keep looking for signs from you, that maybe you have something to say. But I know that it would be unhealthy and you’d only be cheating yourself. I hope you take a deep breath every now and then and feel your progress. I’m rooting for you. I want you to be happily married, and maybe that’s a crazy thing for a former mistress to say. I must be a bit crazy, right? But I hope your focused on your kids and your marriage and I hope its getting better. I hope that even if it’s not everything you want, I hope that it’s enough.
For me, 2016 has been a hell of a year. I feel like a shift is happening in my conscience and my life. I am following my dream and moving to Colorado in late December, where the mountains make me feel small and nestled, and also adventerous and full of possibility. I think you can understand why that’s a good fit. I want to feel the barren, dead of winter, and look for signs of growth only in myself.
If you never read this, that’s okay. I don’t have any questions that need answering, and I don’t have anything new to add to our drug out drama. Just that I think of you sometimes, and I wish you well.
With Love Always,