Not a day, morning, evening, etc. Passes by that I don’t encounter a thought of you.
I wish you well.
Always have, always will.
I keep a distance as I feel it’s the only way I could maybe ever just move on.
I don’t want to, but I don’t feel I have any other choice.
For years I held onto the hope that you would forgive me, that we would reconnect.
But that is something I would’ve liked, but it’s not just about me. You have other people in your life that are important, so do I, but hey.
I wouldn’t ever give any priority to you ever again. I don’t trust you. I wish I did, I used to.
I trust that you would never hurt me.
But, part of me does not trust your actions as I don’t know your intention.
I wish more than anything that I could see you again. I feel that is something you also want. You’ve signalled that that’s what you want.
I just don’t know what to do. There’s no way I feel I could ever contact you, at least during this time for now anyway.
I know you probably think I don’t, but I do respect you, hence why I have fully respected your wishes even where your actions have told me otherwise.
There have been so many times where I’ve wished that I could have told you things. However, our end did lead to me seeking counselling, etc. I wasn’t in the best place I guess, or maybe I just realised I had things I needed to deal with that I had just consistently put away or to the side.
It completely tore me apart. I have never felt that devastated by anything. Looking back, I was such a mess, I cried myself to sleep for at least 8 weeks. I knew what a mess id made of things, but I never thought that would be it, that you’d never even acknowledge that you’d received my last message. To this date, I don’t even know.
I don’t know what you even think of me. Despite everything since then, I can only assume that you feel negatively towards me.
If we never speak again which will likely be as much my fault as is yours, I hope you are okay and I hope you are fulfilled by life as much as one day I hope I will be.
I’m not going to demand/ask anything from you. It’s up to you if you want to do anything/say anything. I won’t bother reflecting over past events unless that was something you wanted to discuss.
I wonder about you often. It wasn’t really ever my place to ask you anything I guess. I’m quite a deep person, which I won’t change because, I like who I am. I don’t want to be the same as every other person. I used to be, sometimes still do, but what really would be the point if I was just the same as every other person.
I definitely wouldn’t say that you are someone who’s just the same as lots of other people. We all have similarities and people that could be on the other side of the world that perhaps have identical traits or identical thoughts and ideas, personalities, etc.
By the way just so you know, I’m not some crazy psycho. I’ve definitely gone through things that others haven’t which probably has shaped me to be who I am, but hasn’t everyone?
I used to really feel like I needed your approval. Yeah, it would be nice, but, actually I now just don’t care, because you don’t so why should I..
I get down sometimes like everyone, but I’m okay. I have the bestest dogs ever, I have the loveliest family that only want me to be happy and seem to support me whichever direction I seem to keep changing in my life. And the friends that I’ve made over the last few years have made me realise the ones that I now no longer really have much in common with.
Uni was the best thing I ever did. It’s made me see so much potential in myself. I saw a little bit, but I feel like it’s made me feel like as much as I have down days, I am good enough. I hope more than anything, other people also feel that. I hope my sister feels that. I tell her every time I see her, how much potential she has, how powerful she is. How much I think the world of her. How much I love her more than any one else. Etc.
She is definitely my rock. I don’t know where I would be without her.