• I DO miss you!

    by  • November 29, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Acceptance • 4 Comments

    Not a day, morning, evening, etc. Passes by that I don’t encounter a thought of you.
    I wish you well.
    Always have, always will.
    I keep a distance as I feel it’s the only way I could maybe ever just move on.
    I don’t want to, but I don’t feel I have any other choice.
    For years I held onto the hope that you would forgive me, that we would reconnect.
    But that is something I would’ve liked, but it’s not just about me. You have other people in your life that are important, so do I, but hey.
    I wouldn’t ever give any priority to you ever again. I don’t trust you. I wish I did, I used to.
    I trust that you would never hurt me.
    But, part of me does not trust your actions as I don’t know your intention.

    I wish more than anything that I could see you again. I feel that is something you also want. You’ve signalled that that’s what you want.
    I just don’t know what to do. There’s no way I feel I could ever contact you, at least during this time for now anyway.
    I know you probably think I don’t, but I do respect you, hence why I have fully respected your wishes even where your actions have told me otherwise.

    There have been so many times where I’ve wished that I could have told you things. However, our end did lead to me seeking counselling, etc. I wasn’t in the best place I guess, or maybe I just realised I had things I needed to deal with that I had just consistently put away or to the side.
    It completely tore me apart. I have never felt that devastated by anything. Looking back, I was such a mess, I cried myself to sleep for at least 8 weeks. I knew what a mess id made of things, but I never thought that would be it, that you’d never even acknowledge that you’d received my last message. To this date, I don’t even know.

    I don’t know what you even think of me. Despite everything since then, I can only assume that you feel negatively towards me.
    If we never speak again which will likely be as much my fault as is yours, I hope you are okay and I hope you are fulfilled by life as much as one day I hope I will be.
    I’m not going to demand/ask anything from you. It’s up to you if you want to do anything/say anything. I won’t bother reflecting over past events unless that was something you wanted to discuss.

    I wonder about you often. It wasn’t really ever my place to ask you anything I guess. I’m quite a deep person, which I won’t change because, I like who I am. I don’t want to be the same as every other person. I used to be, sometimes still do, but what really would be the point if I was just the same as every other person.
    I definitely wouldn’t say that you are someone who’s just the same as lots of other people. We all have similarities and people that could be on the other side of the world that perhaps have identical traits or identical thoughts and ideas, personalities, etc.
    By the way just so you know, I’m not some crazy psycho. I’ve definitely gone through things that others haven’t which probably has shaped me to be who I am, but hasn’t everyone?
    I used to really feel like I needed your approval. Yeah, it would be nice, but, actually I now just don’t care, because you don’t so why should I..
    I get down sometimes like everyone, but I’m okay. I have the bestest dogs ever, I have the loveliest family that only want me to be happy and seem to support me whichever direction I seem to keep changing in my life. And the friends that I’ve made over the last few years have made me realise the ones that I now no longer really have much in common with.
    Uni was the best thing I ever did. It’s made me see so much potential in myself. I saw a little bit, but I feel like it’s made me feel like as much as I have down days, I am good enough. I hope more than anything, other people also feel that. I hope my sister feels that. I tell her every time I see her, how much potential she has, how powerful she is. How much I think the world of her. How much I love her more than any one else. Etc.
    She is definitely my rock. I don’t know where I would be without her.

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    4 Responses to I DO miss you!

    1. just me
      November 30, 2016 at 4:08 am

      I know that there is zero chance that you actually wrote this but I just need to reply as there are so many similarities in your writing/thinking style. I received the message send a month ago. You did’nt needed to apologize. I can’t answer it for 2 reasons, first of al because it makes me feel conflicted. I’m trying to do the good thing in my current situation. and second, he saw the message too. Besides that I’m scared, it’s so hard letting you go. It took me weeks to get back to normal (read: not thining about you a 100 times a day) in the periods we didn’t talk. You were the one who instigated that we should stop texting and I could only agree because of my situation, I could never cross the boundaries more than we already did. I felt it was unfair to you, that in some way I was keeping you on a leash. You deserve so much more. I have dreamt of meeting you again, of holding you. But going to find you might have devastating results for my family life. I cant bear the consequences of those choises. Not now. I’m just unable to hurt him and give up on al those years for a feeling I had meeting you 4 years ago.
      I’ll never forget that moment, or the message you send me in februari 2015. Both times my heart just skipped a beat, and I’m the only one who knows how rare that is. I Always thought you were special, and the time we’ve spend texting after that only made it more clear to me that you are an amazing guy. There have been numerous times that something you said made me question my whole life. I felt so close to you at sometimes, yet so far away at others. I felt a connection every time, yet we never made a phonecall. I was scared of what could happen, that my world we start trembling even harder. Oh if you would have lived closer i would have not been able to resist the urge i felt of meeting you. Then the consequences if thing did work out between us would have been las hard. The distance made it impossible for me. Most of the time I wasn’t even thinking about what would happen if we did meet and felt like there was nothing there.
      So when you told me you had a chance with miss one that got away I knew i had to let you go.
      But I still think about you often. Hope you are doing well, and I hope your sister does too! She’s a Lucky girl with a guy like you, she knows that too. You are her rock.
      I know that i have to live with you being my biggest questionmark, that hurts me. But choosing to meet you would be the most selfish act I have ever made, and I’m not up for it I’m sorry. I love the person that you are, I love how you are respecting my wishes. Deep down (well actually not so deep) I wished to be in a different position.
      You are the guy I would love to spend my life with, if my life wasn’t that complicated.
      I wish we could have met earlier.
      You even made me wish I could just wake up in a different life, a life with you.
      I’ll Never forget you.
      Much Love

      Ps: like I said, I know this probably isn’t for you but it felt good letting it out.




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    2. D-
      November 30, 2016 at 5:27 am

      Kurt,

      I do not think I received your last message (was it back then or a recent message?).

      I want to see you, I told you my intentions.

      I am also unable to forget, let go, heal.

      It is ok to reach out, a message would be nice. 🙂

      D-




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    3. D-
      November 30, 2016 at 7:25 am

      I reposted because I think my last comment post was lost.

      What do you want right now, for real?

      To clarify my intentions, I wanted to apologize and tell you what I never told you about how I felt back then.

      The apology is for running away from you instead of running after you.

      As for how I felt, I was completely, 100%, over the top, in love with you.
      I have never had feelings so intense and deep with anyone else, ever!

      My dilemmas back then:
      If I told you and you did not feel the same way, I would lose you, and possibly a large number of my friends.
      If I told you and you were not ready, I would lose you, and possibly a large number of my friends.

      What actually happened:
      I lost you anyway. 🙁

      My dilemmas today:
      I have to go slow and be cautious because I am aware that there is a possibility for sparks to fly again.
      I have to be sure they are real, in both directions, and are not encumbered by major unresolved issues.
      Basically, before we flip our lives upside down, lets be sure we are still compatible and we have a chance at this.
      I still have not figured out how exactly to do that but I guess I am waiting to see if I even need to figure it out.

      D-




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    4. D-
      November 30, 2016 at 7:59 am

      One last thing:

      If you move on, I will understand.

      If you move on, fuck the world and be yourself.

      P.S.
      You have no idea if you have anything in common with me or your old friends so stop saying you don’t.
      I still see most of those people, and while we have little in common in our daily lives, we find time to tip a few drinks, socialize, and have a fuck load of fun. I know there are old politics. I know certain people were under certain impressions of you. All of the politics are old. None of that matters anymore. I know everyone would welcome you back.

      I now always try to:

      Not overthink everything.
      Not try to predict an unpredictable outcome.
      Not assume anything.
      Try to keep a balance between logic and feelings.
      Not hold myself back like I used to do.
      Not let things like fear or doubt control my life.




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