Do not think of this as me being selfish or not caring about any of you. I love you all very much. I tried to face my daemons and work through them but I couldn’t. The pain and crushing pressure I feel inside me is slowly consuming me and forcing me deeper into this deep dark hole. Every day i feel like im drowning in my own thoughts and feelings of guilt, regret, hate and self loathing. I look at myself every day and hate the person looking back at me a little more.
I Want you to know that there is nothing any of you could have done. I hid it as best I could under a veil of false smiles, jokes and making people laugh. I have found that if i can make someone laugh they cannot see what is behind the face staring at them. I did this purposefully and I got very good at it. I dropped my guard a couple of times and suffered for it. As soon as people see whats inside they try to “fix” it. To get people to back away I lied and pretended that everything is ok. It made these people feel good about themselves and im glad i could inject a little happiness into someones life for one brief moment.
This is not a decision I have come across lightly. The thought of not waking up tomorrow scares me. How will my parents cope? Will my sister hate me for leaving her? Will my brothers curse me for not trying harder? Will the world for these people move on just a little slower without me. I know i have love and support from all my friends and family and I know this will hurt you for a while but I promise the pain will pass. You will manage somehow. Stay close to each other and support one another.
Dont think of me as the family member who took his own life but remember me as i was when times were good. The annoying older brother who was first up Christmas morning who pissed you all off with his stupid jumper and annoying Christmas spirit. The eldest son who kept dad out until the next morning at a 21st or who would still come in after a night out at 8am to say im home then lie about drinking all night.
Remember me as the backpacker who conquered his fear of jumping into water from a cliff. Remember the guy who wanted to leave and find himself and travel just to surprise you all at Christmas and make you cry with joy. This is the real me. This is the person you loved. Dont forget that.
I want to thank you all. My parents for giving me the best Start in life. My brothers and sister for putting up with me and being there for me. My friends for being loyal and true and giving me a bigger family and in some cases another family. Not one of you has anything to feel guilty about. Dont say “I should have known” or “I could have helped if I just asked”. None of you could have seen it. The fact that you were all there and I could depend on you and count you as family has given me enough to live for to this point. If it wasn’t for all of you it would have ended a long time ago. Be happy in the fact that thanks to all of you I managed to see a brief shimmering light through the darkness for long enough to battle on.
Thank you for your love and understanding