• Have you gone?

    by  • November 26, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning for You • 2 Comments

    Had you had enough of me making no attempt to respond to what I believe to have been you?
    I’m sorry.
    I wanted to react, but how can you really expect me to? As much as I wish you were part of my life, you’ve made it clear that you’re not going to be.
    So why do I still long for you? Why do I still sit here and think one day things will change?
    Because, I’m stupid that’s why. It’s been years, not enough has really changed. I still don’t know what you want/how you feel. I feel just as confused, if not more so now than I was then. I don’t feel anything weird for you if that’s what you think, I just look/ed up to you THAT IS ALL. I wish you would just be you & stop messing me about.

    Sometimes you can make me feel quite uncomfortable. You never used to. I’m not trying to be horrible, just honest. But what I would say is you try or just consider walking minding your own business then you have someone up the side of you making loud noises. How would you feel?
    I didn’t mind so much in the early days as I knew it was you and we were on good terms. Nowadays I just have no idea. I still stupidly long for you. All I wanted was for us to get on and for some response to know that you did want to know.
    You didn’t give me that, instead you looking from an outsiders point of you, probably just messed with my head by messing me around so I didn’t really get what you were doing. It seemed like a game to you. I don’t really know what you were trying to achieve. I probably read too far into it, but I haven’t ever had a conversation like that with anyone else, it wasn’t even a conversation. It was one sided.
    & that never works.
    Despite everything, I know I DID WRONG TOO; at night I still listen out for you. :/
    I don’t know what else I could do. I keep hoping that one day you’ll give me a chance and speak to me. I would 100% let it be on your terms, it’s not something I feel I could iniate as like I’ve says idiot know where you’re at.
    It would be nice to fully clear the air. Don’t know if you feel the same. Not sure and actually it’s quite doubtful that you read/hold into/onto things like I do. Wish I knew. As always hope you’re okay either way.

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    2 Responses to Have you gone?

    1. Heartshards
      November 29, 2016 at 1:16 pm

      Not that I want my person to ever read what I write on here, because I am able to express myself through writing better. I don’t like feeling so exposed without cover of some kind. But if my person out there ever reads what I write, please know that I am just terrified. If my person is here, know this. I am quite frankly more terrified than I have ever been in my entire life. I feel a connection that feels like it’s too amazing to be real. My mind won’t let me believe that it’s real. And then I also feel guilt. I feel shame. I feel remorse. And then I feel disappointed that I’ll never know. I’ll never bring myself to find out if it’s real or not. And it all goes back to that fear. The fear of the disappointment in being wrong. The fear that I cause pain to anyone or everyone or myself. The fear of showing weakness. The fear of rejection. The fear of confirming the fears that haunt me daily. I’d rather not know most of the time. It’s safer.


    2. @author
      December 2, 2016 at 6:46 am

      Is it safer if it causes self harming? I would think knowing would be better. If you were wrong then you would be able to move on. If you were right and you found out it is real then y’all could work together at doing what y’all had to do to make it work. Then you wouldn’t have to hurt so much not knowing.



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