I never read your email in response to the box I sent you. I saw it in my inbox starting off with, “I hope this finds you well”. I have had nightmares about those words. Almost 6 years together and that’s how you chose to start an email to your ex you had not heard from in 6mo’s…
It’s now been well over a year and I am here, writing you again.i hope one day you will be only a memory, a distant almost forgotten memory.
I think about the almost one night stand I had and i am a bit sad. I try not to look internally about why it was an “almost”. My insecurities came before you but it was our relationship that magnified them. What if I am inadequate? What if I’m not good enough for anyone? I wish he would call me to let me know it wasn’t a mistake but I think that’s the point of a one night stand, even an almost one night stand: no strings. I should be satisfied, I got nearly everything I wanted, other than confirmation I wasn’t a mistake… Maybe I was.
Wishing seems to be pointless now. There is nothing left of me in your mind. It’s done. We’re done.
To the outside world, I am over you. I am in a professional school with little time for the emptiness you left behind. It only creeps in when i’m unfocused at the library or unfocused during a lecture or in nightmares… Work is a challenge everyday. From the different personalities to the work itself, it’s all a challenge. It’s funny how with you, I wanted all of the things I have now and now I have all the things and I would consider walking away from them for you. Again a total impossibility, but maybe typing this here will wake me up and accept you are my past and my future is this professional school and career. Maybe life was meant for me in solitude. Maybe you were my brief opportunity for family and now it’s done.
I sometimes wonder what else was in that e-mail. It obviously wasn’t a feeling for me to come home because you are fairly persistent when you want something. The truth is that I didn’t read it because I feared your utter happiness that I was gone. I left for you, knowing it would make you happier, but to have you confirm it would be a slow form of torture. I stuck by my belief of, “when you love something set it free”.
I wish my actions did not cause the unexpected reaction of my absolute and total fear and paranoia of rejection. Rejection on every level now. Work, school, family, life… All of the possibilities of rejection. I am sooo much more of a giver now because I lost you.
I do hope with all of my heart that you never learn what it feels like to be with someone who no longer loves you. It really is a terrible reality that eats away at your soul.
I think I should get back to realty again. This site is just make believe where I can communicate wit you but really, I am just writing a letter I will never send.
I love you my dearest.