• Dear V~E

    by  • November 22, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    I don’t know what to say anymore. You’ve made me feel everything I could for you. Love, lust, envy, jealousy, anger, pain. What do you need me to do now? What is my purpose to you before you throw me away again, like a broken ragdoll. Maybe that’s all I am. A broken rag doll. One that people pick up, play with, then once they get bored they throw it away and leave it up to the rag doll to pick itself back up and put toghether its broken pieces. Heh. You’d probably hate the fact that I used that metaphor. You always used to hate it when I talked poetically. You used to hate how I never liked makeup. You used to hate how I had no interest in dating. You used to hate how I cared too much about everything. You used to hate how I kept all my secrets to myself. And now what? I’ve stopped talking in literary terms, I’m wearing about three pounds of makeup on my face, I’ve had 7 lovers in the past year, I’ve stopped caring about people and their opinions and most of all, I told you my secrets. The secrets that you pushed me for. The secrets that I agonized over. The secrets that could ruin my life. And I still remember, to this day, that once I told you, your face fell. Your eyes become duller. The corners of your lips dropped. “Oh” you said.”is that it?”. Your words turned themselves in my mind. What do you mean “is that it?”? Is it not enough for you to know everything that I’ve kept for years and years? Is it not enough for you to know my darkest thoughts? Am I not enough for you?  And as soon as I thought that, I knew the answer. Yes. I’m not enough for you. Because you needed someone to hate, someone to coach, someone to teach, someone to manipulate. And once that was over, you moved on. And since you moved on, I tried to do the same. But you didn’t cut all ties with me, because I hadn’t been used to my full extent. No, you kept enough of a hold on me so that I was connected to you, just not emotionally,physically or mentally.Just  enough so that I couldn’t move on. Every time I tried to, you would come back into my life. And once I was hooked onto you,like a drug, you were gone. So tell me, V, what’s my purpose? You’ve told your boyfriend all my secrets, you’ve laughed about them with your friends, you’ve insulted and abused me, so now what? Am I supposed to just tag along, like a puppy? And yet, even now, when its been a year and I’m a million miles away from you, you STILL have a hold on me. Will I ever break from your grasp? I don’t know. I don’t think so. But I can break from our connection. I’m hoping that by writing this I can finally move on. So That I can stop checking you Instagram page just to be hurt by the fact that you’re calling other people your best friends. So that I can stop obsessing over every detail of your relationship with him. So that I can stop being jealous. So I can stop being hurt. So that I can stop being in love with you. So I hope that I can stop refreshing my page for signs of you and I hope I can stop wishing you were doing the same. Because right now, all I wish for is for anything that I can hold on to, to distract me from you.. Wish me luck

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