I need to write a test run of this conversation because the last thing I want is to choke on my words because these might be some of the most important words I ever say.
“I love you.
I hope you know that I don’t throw those words around flippantly. When I say I love you I’m not talking about a feeling. When I say I love you I’m not talking about that goofy smile that I can’t seem to wipe from my face whenever you’re around. When I say I love you I mean that I’m committed to being by your side. I’m here for you through your best and your worst moments.
I love you means that you have my heart. If you wanted to break it you could. You have the power to hurt me and crush me…but because I love you, I trust you with that power.
You’re not the first one I’ve told these words to but if I’m being completely honest I’ve never had the courage to truly give my heart to someone until now. The last time I said “I love you” I remember being unsure of my own words, questioning my own sincerity. I’ve tried to dig into my own depths to find why I have remained so guarded and hesitant to hand over my heart to someone, but I still have reached no conclusion. All I know is that now I am ready. Ready to trust. Ready to commit. Ready to love you wholeheartedly.
I know that I’m not the first one you’ve loved. Sometimes when I think of that it makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I fear that I’m just another one on the list. I worry that in your mind you have a running list of comparisons between me and the others. I worry that I’ll never live up to them, that somehow memories of you and them will be burned stronger in your mind. When you think of your first love it can never be me. It makes me angry that those who hurt you have the ability to take ownership of so many of your happy memories. It makes me angry that anyone could break your heart because I could never fathom hurting you like that.
The other part of that fear is that you’re stronger than me because you’ve made it through that brokenness. I don’t even know if it’s a fear as much as it is just pure bewilderment. You’ve loved and lost and still come out on the other side, willing to love again. This is a great quality about you. You’re fearless in the way you love.
I hope that I can become as courageous as you because these fears have been keeping me from saying how I really feel about you.”