• The Test Run

    by  • November 20, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Fear • 14 Comments

    I need to write a test run of this conversation because the last thing I want is to choke on my words because these might be some of the most important words I ever say.

    “I love you.

    I hope you know that I don’t throw those words around flippantly. When I say I love you I’m not talking about a feeling. When I say I love you I’m not talking about that goofy smile that I can’t seem to wipe from my face whenever you’re around. When I say I love you I mean that I’m committed to being by your side. I’m here for you through your best and your worst moments.

    I love you means that you have my heart. If you wanted to break it you could. You have the power to hurt me and crush me…but because I love you, I trust you with that power.

    You’re not the first one I’ve told these words to but if I’m being completely honest I’ve never had the courage to truly give my heart to someone until now. The last time I said “I love you” I remember being unsure of my own words, questioning my own sincerity. I’ve tried to dig into my own depths to find why I have remained so guarded and hesitant to hand over my heart to someone, but I still have reached no conclusion. All I know is that now I am ready. Ready to trust. Ready to commit. Ready to love you wholeheartedly.

    I know that I’m not the first one you’ve loved. Sometimes when I think of that it makes me feel sick to my stomach.
    I fear that I’m just another one on the list. I worry that in your mind you have a running list of comparisons between me and the others. I worry that I’ll never live up to them, that somehow memories of you and them will be burned stronger in your mind. When you think of your first love it can never be me. It makes me angry that those who hurt you have the ability to take ownership of so many of your happy memories. It makes me angry that anyone could break your heart because I could never fathom hurting you like that.
    The other part of that fear is that you’re stronger than me because you’ve made it through that brokenness. I don’t even know if it’s a fear as much as it is just pure bewilderment. You’ve loved and lost and still come out on the other side, willing to love again. This is a great quality about you. You’re fearless in the way you love.

    I hope that I can become as courageous as you because these fears have been keeping me from saying how I really feel about you.”

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    14 Responses to The Test Run

    1. Who cares
      November 20, 2016 at 4:26 pm

      ..about being the first
      instead I’d prefer to be the last any day




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    2. KC
      November 20, 2016 at 7:28 pm

      Gosh if he ever spoke those words to me I’d have turned back around, regardless of all the hurt, regardless of anything. Tell him, tell her, that’s a beautiful letter.




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    3. Heartshards
      November 20, 2016 at 10:21 pm

      Tell your love. Tell him/her. Or show them this. This is beautiful. Write it anonymously and send it to them. They need to know.




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    4. Love this.
      November 21, 2016 at 7:24 am

      And you.




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    5. Lost and Found
      November 21, 2016 at 11:44 am

      Please tell him/her. Be courageous. If your person is fearless in love, they may only need you to give back. I love my ex, but he never gave back and it always left me uncertain and feeling unloved. Be courageous, be brave, give back. He/she probably still loves you too. It doesn’t go away, sometimes you just try to move on because you feel you have to. Not because you ever stopped loving them.




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    6. @author
      December 4, 2016 at 1:54 pm

      The way in which you’ve written this could be from a female or male? The only reason I haven’t responded. Then I read the other respondents. Now I’m uncertain.




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    7. Brittany
      December 5, 2016 at 12:15 pm

      Author here. Female writing to a guy.




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    8. Author here
      December 6, 2016 at 3:37 am

      I (female) wrote this. I did share this! I wasn’t planning to share with anyone but I sent the link to him last night and I’m glad I did. It felt really good to get my thoughts out. He responded really well too.




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    9. D-
      December 7, 2016 at 11:35 am

      I also worry that I will not live up to expectations.

      I love you too.




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    10. @lost & found
      December 9, 2016 at 1:50 am

      Would you believe that he felt the same as you do. The uncertainty you felt may have been because this is the feelings you gave as well? It was in my situation. Too much so. Yes I love her. Now & always. It doesn’t make it any easier moving forward when all you want is her.




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    11. @@ lost & found
      December 11, 2016 at 3:46 pm

      You are such a coward.




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    12. Anon to Anon
      December 14, 2016 at 8:27 pm

      How therefore are you by definition any different? I have a justified reason why I haven’t. She knows this FACT. I’ve made many mistakes in my life. Being a coward hasn’t been one of them. Please enlighten me how you came too your conclusion on myself?




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    13. -Heartshards
      December 17, 2016 at 4:36 pm

      You’re being called a coward, probably because you admit love anonymously but not to the person who matters. It’s okay. No one wants to feel the pain of nonreciprocal feelings. BUT just remember, that if you really do love them, that is enough. And if they are worth your love, they will not hurt you. If it’s not reciprocated, you may mot be ecstatic, but you they won’t laugh in your face either. IF they’re worth it, the worst that could happen is that you boost their ego and self esteem a bit. And if your love is real, it should make you somewhat happy to do that for them. Tell them today, because tomorrow is never promised. Don’t take your time for granted. It is short, believe it or not. If it hurts, you’re really only mad at yourself. Wish I would listen to my own advice. Hypocrisy is my annoyance and my vice.




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    14. @Heartshards
      December 19, 2016 at 3:29 pm

      I agree in part with what your saying. Everyone on here is anonomyous to some degree, are we then by your own words not? I doubt “Heartshatds” is your real name either? 😉 You have answered my question perfectly. I’m not mad at myself, admitting to myself more so. By going on what you just said. Every person on this website is a coward. Including you. I say that will no malice or I’ll thought. That makes me one too. On this last note I say goodbye & good luck. Merry Christmas too.

      Beloved.




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