• The father effect. (An open letter to my absent father)

    by  • November 19, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Family Stuff • 0 Comments

    Dear Dad,
    I sometimes look at old and new pictures of you, I won’t admit it but I do. It helps me feel closer to you like having something I never had, I saved all your voicemails and all your text messages like I have saved all your pictures over the years. I think about you sometimes and wonder what you’re doing and I know you’re not thinking of me but I think of you like I always have,always do. I still see you in my dreams at night, you haunt them. I’m always looking for you in my dreams and just when I find you I wake up you’re always in the same place the same town you’re always in don and Paul’s and just when I’m about the open the door to come see you I always wake up. I don’t talk about you much, but I think about you often. I think about the laughs we had that lasted for a short period of time. It it filled my soul with the love I never had from you and all your promises you made to me I remembered them all. I could tell you everything we talked about from start to end, I listened to you tell me about yourself I remembered every detail about your life that you told me, I remember that laugh and how I laughed when you laughed, every time you called I dropped everything I was doing to answer it and we talked for hours had such a great time you told me how you were in a band and play guitar and I told you how I love rock and roll you played . I felt so proud that you were my dad, I finally had something for that time that I never had with you. You told me you would be here for forever and I believed you, you sounded so convincing and I trusted you. You told me you waited for me to find you again for years, and that you were sorry for last time. I forgave you because you are my father and I always loved you mistakes and all. I would of done anything for you, then you stopped calling made excuses and promised me you would call me “tonight” i’m glad you never said to hold my breathe because I would of suffocated waiting for a text or a call, you pretended you went to jail I was so silly for believing it was true …I will never understand why you pushed me away again when all I did was love you. I remember calling all the jails that your “friend” texting me from your number said you were in and none of those jails you were in…..I wanted to go see you when I found out you were in jail I was worried for you but it was you pretending to be your friend and my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I will never understand you, but for some reason I still think of you and how I will never know how it feels to be hugged by my father or to look into your eyes and see you looking back. Out of all your kids I was the one who defended you even when you probably didn’t deserve it, I even tried to get your other daughter to talk to you to make you happy because I knew you were sad you talked about it and I felt bad. To you I was just a waste of space but to me you were once my whole world. I will never know how is feels to see you, to hang out with my dad, but I guess seeing you in my dreams is not that bad because at least in my dreams I can always see you a glimpse of you, whenever I want and you’re always there you never go away. I wish you loved me as much as you loved heroin. I will never understand, I always try to put it together trying to figure it out what went wrong I hate you for what you did but I still love you because you’re my father you are me, I tried to save you from yourself, you are a broken man and I don’t think you will ever be saved. I dyed my hair it was too painful to see how much I look like you and to always be told “you look just like your father” so I tried to color my hair in hopes to not see you in the mirror anymore and to start seeing myself but that didn’t work because you still haunted my dreams,and the hole in my heart that is in the shape of you ,my father was still there and no matter what I did I couldn’t fill that hole in.I was the one who always wanted you in my life I don’t think you will ever understand how much it hurts to be the one that you didn’t want, I always try to figure it out try to make sense of things on why I was never good enough, I started to blame myself for why you weren’t around,what was wrong with me that my father couldn’t of stayed, and it pains me.

    They say “absence makes the heart grow fonder” that’s a lie, it doesn’t make it grow fonder it tears you to pieces. Every Father’s Day and my birthday is like a thousand knives going into my heart, I think about you on that day just like I thought about you the day before, the week before, the month before, the years before that, I look at our pictures together when You were holding me when I was a baby and we were playing on the floor and I wish I could go back to the moment and freeze time so I could always be there with you and you would of never gone away.I tried to desperately to make you stay, to cling on to you when I saw you ready to walk away again last time and how you were slipping through my fingers like sand and I was loosing you again, I was the one who always wanted you in my life If I had it my way, you would of never disappeared from my life and we would be best friends forever,father and daughter. I would of done anything for you, anything to keep you from walking out that door and never coming back, I needed my daddy back then and you just left me,I’m 24 years old and I still find myself needing you and wishing you needed me. You were the one I always wanted. I know this sounds silly but I find myself looking for you wherever I go, hoping to bump into you but I never see you. You’re not there, You’re never there. I know you’re not going to live forever but I hope heaven forgives you and gives you a second chance,one day when I get old and pass away and get to heaven gates I hope that they will tell me you’re mine and we can spend eternity as father and daughter laughing together as we once did for a short amount of time. As much as you have hurt me I wish you the best in life, I hope you are happy and I wish you well, I hope you finally become happy in your life, and that things go well for you, I just want you to be happy even if it’s without me in your life. I think about you and I wonder if I ever crossed your mind, did you ever think about me too? Even once? You may wonder why I call this “The father effect” it’s because You have left holes in not only my heart,but my soul,my self esteem,my self worth,my trust,and my life. You’re absence made me feel worthless, like I wasn’t good enough for any man to love me, and I remember being 17 or 18 and thinking I wasn’t enough, I needed my real father to validate me (you) and you never did, so I ended up hating myself no having low self esteem even more than a normal teenager would so I called this the father effect because your absence ruined my self worth, my fiancĂ© tells me I’m beautiful and I’m worth more than anything in this world and I still struggle to believe it, My inner demons tell me ” if your father didn’t want you there’s something wrong with you,you’re worthless,you’re no good nothing” I’m working more on my self esteem and I’m stronger than you will ever know. I’m one hell of a fighter, I fought through my whole life been through hell and back, you wouldn’t know that because you were never there, but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. You missed my first steps,my first missing tooth,my first words,my first birthday,my kindergarten graduation, You missed every father and daughter dance,you missed every birthday, every holiday, You missed my first heart break,My first school dance,My first everything you weren’t there, as much as you tell me you are sorry, I don’t believe you. I admit I still look at the pictures on the pages in the baby book so many questions run through my head still and I lay wake sometimes wondering and i know you love your drugs as much as I loved you but Hey dad Maybe if I was a needle would you love me too?

    Love you more than you know.

    Your forgotten daughter,

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