I’m angry at this world. I constantly worry. Every happiness leads me to think that there’s sorrow at that end. Nothing makes me excited. My brain is my enemy, it is destroying me.
Why do I sabotage my happiness, why can’t I live in the moment. I’ve read hundreds of articles regarding finding happiness within, living in the moment, self worth and meditation. It helps for a while, then it doesn’t. I’m a grown up person, mature, loved yet i can’t help feeling jealous, insecure, ungrateful. I’ve achieved major goals in life yet there’s melancholy. I’m stricken by pessimistic thoughts, I wear myself down by thinking about how it all will end up in ashes. Thoughts of what would the world think of me keeps me bugged down to the point that I wish to be invisible. I have great friends yet feel instantly weak by sharing it all with them.I have a sharp mind,crazy good intuition but still even by knowing that it will harm me, i run after it. Maybe the excitement is like narcotics to my brain. The thrill of chase. I’ve a stable relationship and it annoys me, because of lack of chasing. A person loves me,we’ve never fought, we share same values and dreams and the support i get from this person is astonishing but still our conversations bore me because at the back of my mind i know that no matter what, this person will come back to me and this makes me instantly lose interest. Lack of chase. Self sabotage behavior.
I love another person, though i got rejected by that person still we are best friends or that’s what I like to believe. We had that intense connection at first sight, intense emotions and ups and down and the thrill, oh the thrill, the thrill of chasing something inaccessible. I was made clear that this will not end up in a happy way and I knew that too that this will not bear any fruitful result yet i kept going after the person. Like an addict. I have obsessed to the point that I start losing control, then i started to withdrew. Severe withdrawal effects. I surfaced out of it. I got over it. I accepted it. But deep down, my heart still aches for that spark. My self belief that the spark was a soulmate. Even though I know how unwise and damaging it all can be, still I can’t help it. Self sabotage again.
Anytime there seems like an opportunity, I crush it. I give myself excuses that it was never meant to be and that I should only do things that I enjoy. Still I’ve done well in my career so far. Yet I feel like I’ve achieved nothing. Bi-polar brain.
Everything I buy brings me memories of people less fortunate. I feel accountable for them. Every happiness hollow. Every intellectual conversation sounds like war of words and actions of nothing. Disassociation.
I’ve my own shell now. A quiet shell where my brain tickles on its own, I can’t scream, I can’t complain because really what’s there to complain about and how dare can I let other people see my vulnerability. A poker face robot is better. I can’t be real.
A mind like mine is capable of doing things if committed to the cause but right now, it want to self sabotage so let it fulfill its wishes. I’m a mere spectator driven by my puppeteer.