• Conflicting me

    by  • November 19, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 2 Comments

    : So do you want to ask me howz it going? Between me and him .No don’t shy away i will answer proudly & i won’t lie. It all started when we were totally strangers, what we are now also . There were no expectations then also , there are no expectations now even. Jst two strangers talking there heart out to each other without bounding themselves in the walls of relationship names. I don’t know what it is. Don’t remember when it started.. But jst heart knows whatever it is., it’s beautiful and soothing .i m not his habit, neither he is mine, just that we lyk to spend tym in each others company.
    : I don’t love him , even i dont like him, sometimes i hate him for his thoughts. But then i realised that we are jst two individuals poles apart. I accepted his contraries, he accepted mine.
    Just then we were hit by the clock of time. It was that so called ‘so ‘ situation. Where one asks othr where is this going? Ya that one awkward moment.
    We were perfect .. No ,not for each other. But with each other. Wid he i found myself. Is it not fine that i dont want to name this relation? Isn’t it perfect this way only? Hiding from others to find our own self. Sometimes we spend whole day talking.& Somedayz were vacant without hearing his voice. But i didn’t push myself onto him. Neither did he..yes sometimes i wanted it to be more then wat it is..but then came back rushing all the memories with another HIM whom i left alone in the path of life. Breaking all my promises.. Leaving all my love with him only.
    Yess there was another HE in my life. We were perfect for each other but then we were not prfct with each other. It’s all games of life. Giving only one thing at a time. He was purest soul i have ever come across.
    Bt den he was the worst hit by time. The moment he needed me the most by his side, i left like a coward trying only a little for the world. But deep inside i know hw mny times i have died with him, for him & now without him. It’s not that i didn’t attempt to stay . It’s jst that i gave up to soon for the world.
    : We had flaws in our relation. Yes that was a relation.a typical one..where one was answerable to other, the one filled with expectations. But then it was worth these things.the most magnificent Nd yet the harshest years of my life..i felt complete with him& yet there was a void inside me.
    : I was open bt there was a vicious side f me hidden from others known by him only, still he cherished me with all he had.
    But then came the river of expectancy, the incompatibility of opinions, & with it took away the much needed strength to behold the relation..: He was broken yet he was stronger dan me. Stood there àlone facing the complexities all by himself.. As i was bzy hiding in a rat hole pondering how to terminate it.
    Yes i gave up.i know i did it too soon.but that was all i cn do.. could no longer bother him. Kill him everyday instead killed him at once.& with him went my soul
    Still remember the day.No a night it was. a doom one for us.we both somehow died. Some part of us lost. In my case it was my heart which he used to say was of stone..i was not lyk this when we strtd but then i could not stop myself from falling deep deep into his world of love..yeah his world. Coz i nvr had mine..i never regretted starting with him.. But then i never remorse ending up. It was for best only as i never deserved or as he deserves much much better..the only thing i mourn over is my attitude..bt then he changed me & now its too late..to go bck & live all these memories.
    The only desire is to see him lively. Forgetting& forgiving me ,i know it’s too much to ask for.. But then he had promised me, he will do anything for me& he was the one who kept promises. I know i had killed his believes of love but i abide that one dawn will bring another She in His life..& from them on it will be only dawn& no dim nights
    …. Silly me. Where had i started & now here it is..but den whenevr He comes in conversation it becomes eternal lyk our love.?
    : I know i won’t feel the sme for any other. But den i myself don’t want to. Sometimes memories are enough& its bst when you hv both gud & bad ones….

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    2 Responses to Conflicting me

    1. Me
      November 19, 2016 at 12:54 pm

      I remember that night you mentioned, the worst night of my life. I was so broken, I vowed to myself to never feel like that again, not for anyone. I buried my feelings, made decisions that closed and locked doors. But the feelings for you didn’t go away, EVER. I did have the feelings locked away, pretty good for a while, but it was just a matter of time before they resurfaced with a vengeance. All the time that has passed has not even put a dent in my feelings or pain. We both have to take responsibility for what happened. Every once in a while, when I can’t handle the pain, I act very crazy, but I know my feelings are not crazy, they are just unrelenting. I knew you were broken, I was broken too, I did not care, you were/are my everything. Recently I have been praying, and you know I am not a religious person. I pray to God, my dead relatives, angels, the universe, YOU, and whoever else will listen. I pray for you to ring my doorbell and when I answer, you tell me how much you love me and miss me. I pray the universe could somehow fix all that we have broken so that we may finish our lives together. I pray that they will show you that you have the strength you feel you are lacking. I read your horoscope hoping you take some of the shocking advice it gives. I know all of this is really crazy, but I have this 6th sense that our paths will cross again, soon, and that somehow it will work out. I only ask one promise of you. When that time comes, don’t think about how it can’t work, how your too far gone, or anything else that may stop you. And if your faced with an obstacle, work through it, don’t run from it, don’t run from me, you are not protecting me by running. I know it won’t be perfect, but I do know for most times, we will bring unmeasurable joy to each other. As I see it, you only have one major obstacle, that’s yourself. You need to love yourself. Don’t dwell in the past, missed opportunities, mistakes, peoples fucking opinion, etc. I have always looked past the pain inside of you and seen the beautiful person you are. Now go learn, move forward, and most of all, love yourself. Once you start to love yourself, come find me, cause I want to love you too!

      oh, one more thing….PLEASE start now, Tick Tock.

      I didn’t know there was another, I want to know more…….


    2. Me again
      November 19, 2016 at 3:24 pm

      I feel like I overstepped my bounds when I assumed you don’t love yourself, I have no idea if that is true or not. I used to hate myself and now I don’t, so I should not assume anything about you except your love for me. 🙂



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