Sometimes I really really miss you. I wish you were part of my life, but you’re not. There are so many things I would have liked to have been able to confide in you about. I think I probably would have confided in you. You shut me down and walked away. It’s fine. You’re fine. I’m fine. Just really wish you would stop messing me about. Either you want something to do with me or you don’t. You know how I feel. You mean a lot to me and you know why, but that isn’t enough. In a sense I’m kind of relieved that I didn’t bore you with any past things. Psychological help was something I got instead. In a way, this was the light I needed. I had so much hatred buried deep for myself & things that had happened to me as a youngen, I was told this was not initiated by anything that I did. It was not my fault. For years I had been so afraid of anyone older, even being close to older relatives. It makes me so angry how one life difficulty could have affected so much years later. I don’t have this fear anymore, but I still feel a great need to protect myself and those i care about from even potential danger that has a very low likelihood of even turning into something that could damage.,
Right now, as much as you’ve never physically hurt me and I completely trust you that you never would, Keeping away is the best thing for me.
I wish I knew how you felt. I wish you were open with me. I wish you would write to me. I do understand that you didn’t feel it was appropriate. I do. I caused a lot of unnecessary destruction. It almost made me feel like if I looked back in the future. It wouldn’t be that you didn’t want to know, but that I caused you to walk away rather than you just forgetting and never hearing from you so that’s that.
But I did feel like I was trying to communicate with someone that did not want to know whatsoever. I was really confused by you. Maybe I didn’t make enough effort before.
I might never know. It’s not something I really need to know. I guess I just need you to know. I wish you saw trust in me like I thought you did. I wish you felt able to have a conversation with me. I wish you were open with me. I get the impression that from the off you felt that you’d let me in too much so instead of continuing you pushed me away.
It’s okay. It’s just a shame that things turned out how they did. Mostly my fault, but at least I can be aware of that. I have no idea what you think of me now. But you’ll know with anyone, if you don’t speak with someone for 5 years, a whole load of things happen. Lots of good things, a few difficult things and some sad times, but all of which change someone into who they become in the present. I wish only the best for you. I hope that you do for me. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. Because, whatever you think of me or whatever you think of someone/anyone as they walk past, it will only affect them if THEY allow it to do so.. 🙂