Some years ago I was at a big house party with those musician guys I was talking about. I was dressed as a half-assed crow bird, I was with two other girls, one dressed as a pirate, one as a mummy. It was a full house.
The night was filled with booze and beer pong. The Mummy I was with was flirting with the head of the house. I had a fondness myself for his roommate who was a pretty obvious womanizer. He was good at talking, not particularly tall or attractive but he knew how to make someone feel at ease. He was disappearing into his bedroom pretty often with other ladies.
There was this one girl that hung around the house named Debbie that they would call Debbie Downer, they’d talk smack about her whenever she wasn’t around, I always tried to speak kindly to her.. She really liked Dan, I remember I ran into her at the bottom of the stairs and she looked so sad up at his bedroom as a girl came out adjusting her clothes. I think she left after that.
Come around 2 am I find myself up in that bedroom. I had just been looking for fun, but liked him more than I should have admittedly knowing what I knew of his lifestyle and habits with women. I was disappointed and angry when I later found out he’d been bragging about hooking up with 5 women that night.
I was confused because I’d have dreams about him, where he was telling me how his ex girlfriend broke his heart which is why he couldn’t be with me. A conversation that we later actually had. ( i also knew I wasn’t his type, skinny and blonde) I was so insecure…. i tried to dye my hair blonde, it looked awful. I was also just genuinely curious what I’d look like as a blonde.
Looking back I don’t understand why I tried to hold onto that chaos as long and hard as I did. How I saw myself in the eyes of these people made me incredible sad.