Yes, I called you my friend, and keep telling myself it would never work. It would have, if this were years ago. YOU called me your sister, though. It’s nuts how we are both dancing around each other, so careful to avoid mistakes. I told you secrets today. Secrets I should never have expressed to you, but I have no one else to talk to. Last night was a disaster and you still managed to love me through my flaws enough to show extreme kindness and not to mention, no judgement. I’m sorry that I expressed those secrets today. How horrible am I to have placed such a burden of knowing the worst parts of me onto you? I want to be the loving, kind, faithful wife. I do. I didn’t ask to find home in another, when I felt empty inside. I can’t stop my thoughts of you. But I didn’t tell you that. You keep asking why. Why I do it? Get lost in a sea of tears and alcohol? Can you handle the truth? I’m covering my feelings for you. I’m covering the fact that it gets harder to resist you each day. Harder to resist my delusional thoughts that this may actually be genuine. You could never trust me after a start like this. We both know it. So we know it could never work. I tried to leave him. I did. He makes it impossible. He needs me. And they need me. There’s really nowhere else to go right? So why confess these feelings at all? Let’s just enjoy each other’s company when we can get it.
Your presence makes me happy. I woke up this morning with eyes swollen from crying and you made me comfortable enough to go to work. By the way, thanks for your reality check. It’s hard to sleep tonight, but it needed to be done. I love how you express real care, real thought, real concern.