• Just You.

    by  • November 15, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    When they asked me what my ideal type of man is, I just smiled because I honestly don’t know how to describe what I see or want in a man. But 1 thing for sure is not the hopeless romantic kind of man. Up till now I don’t know how to describe.

    But when our path cross, well technically.. (we did not get the chance to meet in person), every single day chatting with you made me realise that you are exactly what I want. Not what I need. Every single day I find out something about you and every time it makes me excited. You are obviously not the romantic type. You don’t sugar coat your words. You say exactly what’s on your mind. And the weirdest part is you were trying to be naughty with me, not flirty but NAUGHTY! …but for some reason it didn’t scare me away. Every time you start the horny conversation, I would try to divert it somewhere else. Until the point you called me Debby Downer.

    Honestly the whole time we chatted, I keep reminding myself on all the things that you said DO NOT take it seriously. You are just making a conversation and I am happily playing along. Keep my feet on the ground.

    Whatever you said just seems very practical, very real. You kept on saying we’ll get married and I asked you if you’re for real? Do you really want to marry me? Your answer was just straight to the point. “YES. Once I’m done planning, we’ll get married.”

    No sweet charming words. Just YES. Then I told you that if we were to get married, there are a lot of things that you can’t do, can’t eat. You said ‘it’s ok..I’ll eat whatever you eat.” I even asked you if you really wanted to marry me. Or is it that you just needed a maid? But you said ‘I don’t need a maid!”. You should have seen my smile..gave my mouth a bit of a cramp there.

    Then there was Tyrone. She’s adorable. I told you that if we do get married we can’t have dogs in our house. Your reply was really that had me..you said “Well she’s like my burglar alarm. She let’s me know if someone’s outside the house. But it’s ok..We’ll figure it out later.” If other guys would have just said some charming words..like “I’ll give her away..I’ll do anything for you..” you know…those kind of speech just to woo someone. Yeah..but you didn’t say that. I was totally beginning to believe you. I was really looking forward to make it come true. But honestly I did imagine if things work out with us, I definitely will want Ty to stay with us. There’s no way I am making you give her away. She’s staying. Like what you said, we’ll figure it out.

    You kept on saying I’m your future wife…you have no idea how my heart was beating so fast and I’m smiling like a crazy woman. People look at me smiling to myself.

    Just seeing the text notification on my phone makes me smile. I knew it was you. I liked it when you said I was your future wife. We started to make plans. Even though we knew it was impossible to make things happen, but still I had fun having that conversation and I tried to make innocent plans while you successfully make it naughty.

    I kept reminding myself not to have feelings for you because the fact that we are thousands of miles apart. We come from different world and culture. A Westerner and an Asian. Well it might not be too difficult if I’m the usual Asian..you know..Chinese, Indian or Philippines or other type of Asian. But I’m a Muslim. That definitely will make the situation complicated. So there’s definitely no “US” in the future.

    But it would’ve been nice if we were still chatting. I admit it’s my fault that we suddenly stopped. I remembered that week my ex was around visiting our daughter. That particular week was really bad. He as usual never fails to make me pissed off. And I got emotional when you didn’t text me for 3 days. I really wanted to chat with you. Wanted you to distract me from the asshole. When you finally did text me I was still in a sour mood. Me being childish and deleted the app where we met. And that was the biggest regret ever! It’s been 5 months now. I never stopped hoping and praying that somehow we will find each other again.

    I usually get over someone within 1 or 2 month. A different story with my ex-husband..I didn’t even need to get over him. It was over even before our marriage ended. But YOU!! You are making it ridiculous for me. It’s already 5 months we stopped communicating. Yet here I am, going through everything in my mind. Our chats, the pictures of you, picture of Tyrone, your tattoos and I even remember your birthday. I remembered everything about it. I even made you promise to get a Strawberry Shortcake mermaid tattoo (since you like mermaid and because you said it has something to do about you being a sailor). Hmmm….and I remember exactly where you wanted to have it tattooed. Crazy guy!
    Do you see how ridiculous and crazy things are for me now? It’s so hard trying to forget you when everywhere I go I see white trucks driving around. I see Harley Davidson’s bikes riding pass me. I’m even know what a Softail Harley looks like. I can name the engines. And now I know that thing I said you can hang your laundries is called an Ape Bar. I am positive that if I were to see your picture or a picture of your tattoos I would definitely recognize it.

    I always tell myself come back to reality. Because you will never be in my life. One very obvious reason is you and me are a complete opposite. But then when I point out a reason my heart comes out with another reason why I can still hope. It’s telling me that I have always been attracted to people who are a different from me. I come from a religious family (well not the extreme type). Who’s always have to think twice before doing something. Have always been in my comfort and safe zone. But deep down I know I have the little rebel in me but I just need someone to be by my side. Who will take me out of my comfort zone but at the same time making sure I am safe. And I see that in you.

    Well, I guess, hoping for a miracle is all I can hope for now.

    I bet you must have found someone who makes you happy. If you did, I pray for your happiness and sincerely hope she does not betray you. You deserve happiness too.
    Take care…

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