I’m slowly losing my mind. I can’t focus on my homework and presentations, even though I know the stress I will endure when I fail to complete it today. As well as the stress of me giving the presentation almost unprepared. Why don’t you just do it? You might be thinking it’s simple. And I agree that it should be. But today has been a day of realization for me. I want to prove people wrong by doing well in school. I want to have a stable future and a happy one, with minimal stress considering how easily stressed I am. I really want to help people. All three of these things could be accomplished if I just started focusing on them. But I’m not. Why?
My father is contributing to so much distress for me mentally. He is constantly making comments that are hurting my heart. I really feel it. I feel like living is kind of too hard sometimes because of things he says. He says things about gay people, trans people, disabled people, other races of people, women, people of other religions than his own, and basically all kinds of people that I think we should be protecting rather than demeaning. I like girls. I am a girl. “It’s not normal, it’s not normal. And I won’t have my kids thinking it’s normal because it’s not.” He certainly is trying to make me feel that way. And it hurts to feel like it’s not normal to be myself. It hurts because I just want to be happy and make people happy and live peacefully, but he’s telling me I can’t do it. My friends are of different races and different religions and I want to protect them. It scares me that my own father thinks otherwise and would have them in a position that would hurt them so. I care about these people, and he threatens to take them away. He says I shouldn’t be doing certain things because I’m a girl. Why? I will never understand it. I’m afraid, though. I’m afraid to tell him otherwise because who knows what will happen. Who knows how he will react. How will I ever stand up when I’m too afraid to speak?
I’m sixteen, attending high school in America. Things don’t really look good for me and my friends right now. We have done nothing to deserve this. I’m scared that the boys in my classes will be more obnoxious than they already are when I return to school on Monday. I’m scared that someone will think I’m theirs to do what they want to. Or to treat unfairly. I don’t like it, it makes me sad.
Sometimes I feel like my mental state is worsening, and that one day someone will find out how insane I am. I see things, hear things, and feel things that aren’t real. I’m scared of going to the doctor. I’ve looked into it, and it truly seems that I have some form of schizophrenia or depression. Either way, it bothers me. It doesn’t help when people make fun of people with these issues. I feel hatred on myself at almost all times, the exceptions being when I am with my best friend, far away from my house and my school and my town. This is not an often occurrence. In fact, it is so minimal that I feel safe from hatred that I feel like running away. Other times, I feel like death would be the only thing to save me. I know it’s not a good option, but sometimes it feels like the better option. I won’t let it happen, don’t worry. I just want to see how far I can make it, how far I can push through and if the future will be any better for me.
I’m afraid of abuse, I’m afraid of speaking my mind, I’m afraid of rape, I’m afraid of failure, I’m afraid of living, I’m afraid of dying, I’m afraid of school, I’m afraid for my friends, I’m afraid of myself, I’m afraid of my father, I’m afraid of Donald Trump.
I’m not going to let fear get the best of me, but it really seems to be doing so anyway. Any advice?
A lot of issues have been happening at my house. Fleas, low income, job searching, power outages, illness, and just overall tension in the house. I missed a week of school last week, dropping my As and Bs down to Cs. I feel like I can’t fix my grades because the marking period is almost over and my homework isn’t done and my teachers don’t like me. I try so hard, but I can’t focus. There’s just too much going on in my head. My chemistry teacher is horrible. He doesn’t even really care about his students and he puts so much stress on me that I just want to smash my head into a wall. Any advice?
I can’t find time to draw anymore. It’s my only outlet. Most of my time is spent stressing, which is less than productive, but I feel like I should at least have my book out on my desk in front of me in case I calm down enough to do some work. Any advice?