• Out of My Element, Bug.

    by  • November 14, 2016 • * Safe for Work * • 1 Comment

    I miss you. I find every breath to be a struggle without you. I don’t know where I went so wrong as a parent. I know I tried. I just wasn’t good enough. I feel lost without you. Part of me is missing without you and I simply can’t feel whole without you. I am out of my element. I have spent every moment since you were born caring for you and your sister. How can I continue without you both? I can’t much longer. I feel myself cracking. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen you and heard your voice. You spoke some incredibly hurtful lies when you left and for the life of me, I’ll never forget that but I need you none the less. I’m sorry that I failed you as a mother. Your mother is better than anything I ever had but not good enough. Forgive me. I tried. I failed. I miss you so much that I feel this choking sensation, deep in my throats and my chest feels tight. I forget to breathe. It would almost feel like a blessing if I forgot to such that air in all together. A colleague seen you and I didn’t want to hear about it but I couldn’t resist the urge to ask if you looked happy. She said yes and I smiled and carried on with my day. The holidays are coming up and all I can think about is whether I will survive them without you. The family wants to move and I’m torn. What if you decide to come home and can’t find us. Will you feel as abandoned and I feel this very moment? I’m sitting outside to keep from being caught. The tears are the only warmth I feel against this brisk, cold Ohio air. Hate me here. Scream and yell at me for all the wrongs you feel I have done but for Gods sake, do it here so I can see your beautiful face one more time. I am out of my element. I’m not me without you. Please baby, come home. I see you looking me up on Facebook. Tell me you miss me too. Something, tell me something. Until I see you again, I want you to know I am proud of you regardless of some of the decisions I hear you’re making. I love you and your sister more than I could ever love myself. I’ve lived for you girls and I’m sorry you don’t see it that way. Working multiple jobs to provide was just as tough on me. It took everything I had. I hope you never have to understand fully what I went through for you guys. Do better. Be better. Please come back to me.

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    One Response to Out of My Element, Bug.

    1. Brandy
      November 16, 2016 at 3:53 pm

      <3




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