“You are going to be 26 years old. You need to start taking care of yourself.”
I just got off the phone with you dad and this is the gist of what you said to me. How did I respond? I just told you how right you were and let you continue talking about how I need to finish my education. What did I actually want to say? I wanted to tell you how hard I am truly trying. I wanted to tell you how bad I am struggling right now. About three months ago I stopped seeing my therapist and taking my medication. People who battle with mental illness stop taking their medication for many reasons and never fully realize how bad that decision can be. My reason overwhelmed me to my core. The thought that I was going to be on medication for the rest of my life just to feel normal, seemed crazy to me. I am in control of my life and I thought I didn’t need the medication. I thought I could take control and be happy. I was wrong. My suicidal thoughts get louder everyday. My depression leaves me in such a state that I don’t want to leave my bed. My anxiety sets in the moment I know I have to leave my bed. My anxiety leaves me sick to my stomach and pulling clumps of hair out of my head everyday. I feel like I am drowning and there is no hope of reaching the surface. I have dealt with these feelings since I can remember, but now there is a new symptom. I have started to hear muffled voices. I am so scared. I have no idea how to tell you. I feel like I am this constant burden from your past that is just dragging you down. You have a successful business and a beautifully normal family. I just don’t feel like I fit anywhere in there. I feel like if I tell you any of this, it will be just one more time I am letting you down. The truth is I don’t know if I will survive this. Whenever people hear some of my story, I always get told how much of a survivor I am, but I don’t feel like one. I have gone through multiple traumatic events in my life and in my own personal opinion just because you survive a traumatic event doesn’t mean you have truly survived. When you are able to survive the aftermath of a traumatic event, that makes you a survivor because that is the hardest part. The traumatic event could really be as short as 15 minutes out of your whole life, but the after math can last for a lifetime. So in my opinion I am not a survivor. I am struggling. I am drowning. I am slowly dying. Now how am I supposed to tell you any of this without hurting you somehow. I need to be able to tell you this. I need you. Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to tell you.