To my best friend,
You will always be my best friend. I know we haven’t spoken in over a year, and I know you hate me, but you’re still my best friend. You are the one I could always laugh with, cry with, and get angry with, and I could always count on you to understand me.
Except when I couldn’t. I guess I’m writing this letter to work through why we don’t talk any more. Let me lay it out.
You were dating Jeff (and had been for a couple years).
I was married to Marco (and had been with him for even longer).
I broke up with Marco. My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest. I needed a friend. You were there.
Then Jeff broke up with you. You freaked out. I no longer had a best friend. We were both in difficult places, and instead of being there for each other, you dumped your feelings on me and wouldn’t let me do the same. I needed space from your emotions, your needs. I needed to take care of me. I backed off. I let you have our other friends to comfort and support you. I found comfort in my family and in my work. I was dealing, and so were you. I always figured that once we both got over our heartbreak, we would go back to being best friends.
Jeff and I still played football together. We saw each other every week. It was the one time of my week where I was able to play the sport I loved, and not have to think about what I was dealing with. My relationship with Jeff never changed – we were teammates…drinking buddies…with him, I felt like I could just be myself and not have to hide behind the wall I had put up. So we started hanging out more.
In our group of friends, exes have never seemed to be off limits. I never thought would be a big deal if I (or if you, or if Sally) ever dated any of the guys we hung out with. You and Jeff were over. He was single. I was single.
When I told you that Jeff and I had been hanging out and that our relationship seemed to be getting closer, I told you because I wanted you to know. I knew that whether or not you were ok with it, it was where my heart was taking me. And I wanted you to be there. I wanted to stay friends. I wanted to work through it. I was selfish. But I had spent 8 years of a relationship and marriage being the giving one, the unselfish one, and it got me nowhere. I needed to make a decision for me.
And I never got the chance to thank you. You brought Jeff and me together. Without you, I would have never found my soul mate. I would have never met this man who challenges me, grounds me, and excites me. And I’m so grateful for that.
I can’t make any apologies for being selfish this time. My happiness needed to come first. But I am sorry that I caused so much hurt and so much grief in your life. I’m sorry you’re angry. Please know that I am still here, and I can still be your best friend if you can open your heart too.
That selfish girl over there