• Coffee

    by  • November 10, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Thoughts • 2 Comments

    I am disappointed with myself every day.
    Not because of what I’ve done, but how I feel.
    Some days it takes a monumental strength to move the mouse, to make coffee.
    I feel shameful; I feel sick when I should be healthy. I should be happy when I feel nothing but anger.
    I feel people notice me, they notice and they run away. Nobody wants to be friends with an unhappy person, even if they smile and laugh and say the right things.
    Though I probably don’t say the right things.
    I don’t think I’m depressed. Depression is to be a void, a black cloud that sucks all the energy out of a person. I do feel that way, sometimes. Other times, I’m just angry. I am all rage and anger and sulking but I think that anger is because of the disappointment with myself. “Because there is no reason to be depressed”, I tell myself.
    There certainly are people who have a right to be depressed.
    I keep looking for jobs online. Jobs around the world, that will take me away from here and never let me come back. Maybe I’ll die like a sea captain in a storm, all glory and fury and utter loneliness.
    I am so lost. I don’t know where I want to go or be or do. Those around me don’t know either, and I can’t understand how they live with it. No- they know who they are, at least.

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    2 Responses to Coffee

    1. anonymous
      November 10, 2016 at 10:50 pm

      No one knows who they are. They decide it. Deep in our hearts we are all seeking the end of the world. Every face is a mask.




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    2. @ author
      November 11, 2016 at 6:18 am

      Why worry about tomorrow? None of us promised tomorrow. Live each day for that day. Tomorrow can be faced when and if we wake up in it. It gets overwhelming to worry about the future. I refuse to worry about a day I may not wake up in, in a day I have been blessed to wake up in and live for. Live each day as you wake. If we can learn to be thankful for what we have (even if we feel we have nothing ) then we have lived the best for that day. If God woke you up this morning and that’s all you have, then the day is already worth it. Why? Because we wouldn’t be here waking up if God didn’t have purpose for us. I can honestly say that I could be homeless, no friends or family. The only possessions I have would be the clothes on my back and I would still be thankful for waking up. Why? Because God blessed me with today. That is something so no one ever has nothing if you think about it. I may wake up broken from yesterday, but I’m still learning. My goal in life is to learn to live each day as I wake and not worry about yesterdays and tomorrows.

      Love Always,
      B




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