• Yes.

    by  • November 7, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Love - Pure and Simple • 12 Comments

    You are so important to me. I feel warm when I’m around you. So happy to know that somebody like you exists at all. So lucky to have such a person in my life. There is also this adolescent part of me that wants to demolish everything I already have with you because it wastes so much time imagining what it would be like to know you sexually.

    I need a minute to say these things unfiltered, without the distortion of present circumstance painting an awful portrait of a deceptive spouse, or a conniving, horrible friend. Until recently, I’ve kind of just thought that this is something that’s normal for you . . . to leave a trail of suitors in your wake. Your personality is strong. Your spirit is comforting. For all I know, I’m not wrong. However, what started as an adorable, appreciative crush has grown exponentially in the past few weeks, blossoming into something that is dead serious about its own existence and for me that isn’t normal. The last time I felt something like this I was 16, falling in love for the first time with somebody who whole-heartedly reciprocated my feelings. Our relationship was intense. My love for her had such incredible staying power that I didn’t get over her until I was 24, even though our relationship didn’t even last a year. I’ve had a few crushes since I’ve been married, but they quickly faded into obscurity. This is different. You’re different. I feel like I’ve known you for a thousand years.

    So right now, I’m happy, because you’re sitting right there, reading the words, understanding that this is a familiar voice. But I’m also uncomfortable because I feel exposed, and some things are still so hard to say, even if they’re true and I’ve given myself permission. You get how meticulous I am, right? How controlled. How deliberate. There is a nagging superego hanging around here right now, imploring me to stop because this level of transparency has always landed me somewhere difficult.

    I love you. I feel a chill up my spine just thinking that thought. About you. Only you. I’ve hardly eaten or slept the past five days because I’m so captivated by the idea that you -even could- feel the same way. Yet here’s an unattractive truism un-neatly wrapped in this whole scenario—I’ve never felt like this about this wife person of mine. The familiarity. The passion. The ache. I only had this once when I was a teenager, and when I finally got her in front of my face I couldn’t say anything useful to her. I was overwhelmed. I thought it was a one-time thing, driven by hormonal changes and an immature psychological makeup. I was wrong. I’m okay with that.

    12 Responses to Yes.

    1. HRed
      November 7, 2016 at 11:47 am

      Just wanted you to know, that this is a feeling that I’ve been dealing with. Almost exactly. Though, I would be the girl in the scenario. I’m not sure if you’re girl will ever see this, but if she’s anything like me, it’s what she’s been hoping for.

    2. That is such a wonderful
      November 7, 2016 at 1:10 pm

      thing for you to say. Thank you, kind stranger.

    3. No one
      November 7, 2016 at 6:03 pm

      THIS. These words. They are…they make me…are you who I’ve been wanting to hear from I wonder?

    4. Did you?
      November 7, 2016 at 8:50 pm

      Tell me this so understand that period of recovery is not something you could go through again?

      Did you choose your words because you want to know if I can overcome the triggers for paranoia with you like I was able to do before?


    5. Hailey
      November 8, 2016 at 1:20 am

      That! That is so what is am ready to hear! If it’s real, get her alone and tell her. She isn’t one to chase, yet you seem afraid to do so yourself. Many women feel that chasing a man is just going to chase them off. I personally feel that he isn’t ready for me if he isn’t chasing me.

      I am married, but I desire to hear this. Women NEED to feel cared for and special. Women thrive in being loved. Don’t deny her of this, if she is a good loyal woman. If she doesn’t care you and you still feel this connection, jump! Jump and tell her how you feel!

    6. Perhaps.
      November 8, 2016 at 1:12 pm

      She’s a friend. I’m a friend. We’re friends . . . ridiculously wonderful friends after just a few months. Both married. Both women. I’m mentioning these breadcrumbs to help anyone who is connecting with this material and wondering because if it was me on the other end I’d little enjoy the darkness in piecing together the possibilities. As for my subject . . . I would be ecstatic for deep-seated reasons (beyond just “trying to make things happen”) if she was part of my audience, but that doesn’t have to be the case. I don’t care if she’s reading this or loyal or what-have-you. Nothing really needs to happen at all. The only thing I want is for her is to keep existing.

    7. However,
      November 8, 2016 at 3:32 pm

      “All I want” and “what I desire” are not mutually exclusive.

    8. Is there?
      November 9, 2016 at 8:02 am

      A little bit of Mozart in the Jungle going on?

    9. Yes.
      November 9, 2016 at 5:35 pm

      Accurately paralleled.

    10. Heartshards
      November 16, 2016 at 1:55 am

      Such strange familiarity here. Yes, I called you my friend, and keep telling myself it would never work. It would have, if this were years ago. YOU called me your sister, though. It’s nuts how we are both dancing around each other, so careful to avoid mistakes. I told you secrets today. Secrets I should never have expressed to you, but I have no one else to talk to. Last night was a disaster and you still managed to love me through my flaws enough to show extreme kindness and not to mention, no judgement. I’m sorry that I expressed those secrets today. How horrible am I to have placed such a burden of knowing the worst parts of me onto you? I want to be the loving, kind, faithful wife. I do. This is not something I wanted. I can’t stop my thoughts of you. But I didn’t tell you that. You keep asking why. Why I do it? I’m covering my feelings for you. I’m covering the fact that it gets harder to resist you each day. Harder to resist my delusions that this may actually be genuine. You could never trust me after a start like this. We both know it. I tried to leave him. He needs me. And they need me. There’s really nowhere else to go right? So why confess these feelings at all? Let’s just enjoy each other’s company when we can get it.

    11. Heartshards
      November 16, 2016 at 1:58 am

      To author, thank you for this letter. I needed it. ive read and reread it, finding comfort in it.

    12. I'm not so sure . . .
      November 16, 2016 at 11:26 am

      That we are each other’s people. It’s the “sister” thing that’s throwing me off. It would be easy to miss the argument about safety because I wasn’t entirely clear when that happened. The other stuff fits, but they are allusions to emotions that are pretty common when you’re stuck in an emotional affair with a close friend. Anyway, I’m happy that you can find some comfort here.

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