Throughout my life I have found that, between two extremes, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I believe that God created the world but I also believe that life evolves over time; so as between two extremes I believe the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I have trouble adhering to either the Democrat or Republican parties because, at least for me, good governance lies somewhere in the middle. And so, appropriately, after swinging back and forth between whether you hate me or love me, I find myself more and more believing your feelings regarding me are somewhere in the middle.
Do you hate me? Hate is a strong word. I’ve only truly hated one person my whole life, you’ve met him. Hate, to me at least, is a forever determination. You don’t hate someone today or for the next year. You hate them for always. You cross that bridge to hate and burn it down from the other side. You’ve said and done some things that made me believe you hated me. But I don’t believe you hate me.
Do you love me? Love is a strong word. I’ve only truly loved one person my whole life, you. Love, to me at least, is a forever determination. You don’t love someone today or for the next year. You love them for always. You cross that bridge to love and burn it down from the other side. You’ve said and done some things that made me believe you loved me. But I don’t believe you love me.
Here’s what I know. You’re with her and you stopped talking to me to further that relationship. You chose her over me. She has a lot of money, always has, and spends a lot of it on you, or at least with you. She has a lot of friends, that are now your friends, or at least the people you hang out with. She has a fun lifestyle, that is now your lifestyle. You used to have your own friends and your own lifestyle, maybe not anymore. You two fight a lot, so I hear, but about what I have no idea. You won’t leave her. You’d have to give it all up. Who could blame you? But for what its worth, I think you settled.
Maybe I’m better, maybe I’m not. I’ll let you make that assessment. I certainly cant buy you a lot of fancy things. I certainly cant give you a brand new lifestyle, full of my friends and the things I want to do. I guess I cant give you the one, or maybe three things you were looking for most, since we can agree I was in your life first. And by your choice, I’m not in your life anymore. I’m on my couch, writing you this letter at 12:35, 4 years after I met you and you changed my life. Have you ever asked yourself, if you had made a different choice 3 years ago, would she still be waiting for you today?
It’s not easy, being where I am in life. I’ve had to work for everything I’ve ever had. And you’ve been my greatest challenge. Honestly, I don’t know how I’ve made it through the last 2 and a half years without you. But as our favourite band once said: “One day I am gonna grow wings”, and I feel that now more than ever. I miss you, so terribly much. Can I tell you something? The best part of 2016 for me has been when I heard your voice again. It was a brief recording of something you said years ago. For all I know, it could be the last time I hear that beautiful sound again. Hearing you again, talking about someone’s “mom and dad”, just reminded me how much I love you and that this is all worth it. I don’t need much, I don’t need to control or own you, I just need you. So let me ask you, where is your heart? Is it somewhere in the middle?