• KC to Mister

    by  • November 7, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    It’s like a weight has been lifted.

    The anxiety is over. I am not angry. I am not lost in the past. None of that.

    I’m excited. My health is good, I am taking care of myself, good stuff is happening.

    It’s as if we had our grand finale, maybe it is over for good.

    Since we last spoke I was sick for another week or so and then suddenly the clouds parted. And it was okay. It mattered. It matters. But there’s no urgency, It’s nice to have a breather, to stop for a while. It’s nice to leave ourselves time to heal.

    I hope you are okay. 🙂

    I don’t care what you did now. I’m not angry.

    I really lost my sense of self, we crossed boundaries, it was REALLY crazy. Only now can I see it in perspective, in retrospect, the big picture. Our truths are both relevant.

    I wonder if you see that too?

    In spite of it all, I love you as I did before. And its been so long since I REALLY felt that way, without the hurt, without the upset, without the fixation, without the stress, without the confusion. It’s just, I think of you nicely. I can’t imagine you would think of me nicely yet, maybe you do, if not, maybe one day you’ll remember who I am, who I was, all the years before.

    I don’t know what that leaves us, wherever that may be, time will tell I guess.

    I’m not waiting for you. I’m waiting to rediscover myself and my life. I’m waiting till the day I wake up and know for sure what I really want, and then, if and when that day comes I’ll see what happens next.

    But in this feeling, perhaps it can only exist without you, nostalgic love for a love lost, because there’s no more pain. Maybe it’s just happiness, happiness to find myself again, happy to remember after all this time the joy of having the rewards of MY life to look forward to. Perhaps we just can’t make each other happy anyway, maybe the happiness has returned because you are gone. Again. It’s a question of time.

    I need time to pass to know without anxiety, without pain if I really want you.

    Maybe it just doesn’t work and never will?

    Maybe time will teach us, we will grow as people, suffer our loss and learn, maybe we will learn enough to come back to each other and be better next time, better people, maybe this experience could benefit us in the future if we tried again, maybe it will take us losing each other to understand each other better?

    I don’t know.

    Maybe it’s not us at all? The timings always wrong. We go in circles every time. How much of the faults lie in ourselves? Bad timing always brings out the worst in us.

    The universe brings us together, time after time, but every time it has the timing has been all wrong! Why? Why does it do that? Is the universe against us coming together? Or is it teaching us to love each other? Is it just testing us when circumstances out of our control bring out the worst in us?

    Are you my soul mate? Soul mate lover or soul mate enemy?

    Ten years and we keep trying. I didn’t know you were trying. Not until it was too late really. If I knew then what I know now, would it really be any different?

    I wonder how you feel. Nothing? Are you processing? Or had you processed long before, has we passed our expiry date? I wonder if you wonder like I do, if in time, we could try again, if it’s better not to. Who knows?

    I hope you’re not sad. I hope you’re not hurt anymore.

    It’s easy to get wound up in these things, arguments, disagreements that lead to fears, insecurities, these last ten months, we never let it heal, we just kept reactivating the trauma every time we tried. We kept trying to to fix it, but ‘fixing’ things only made it worse. I see that now. I figure you do too.

    I wonder if you’re gone for good.

    I’m just sorry it got so ugly, we were both to blame. I wonder if you see it that way too?

    Bye Mister xoxox

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