First off, I need to say thank you. The last two years have been the most difficult years of my life. I need you to know exactly how thankful I am that you have been in my life during that time. I’m still unsure you know exactly how much you have helped me get through. There have been many days where I have wanted to give up, and your relentlessly positive outlook on life has kept me going. When I felt like I wasn’t doing well enough at work, your encouragement lifted my spirits. When I felt like others were attacking me, you reminded me that what they thought didn’t matter enough to dwell on it. You’ve used your personal experiences to help me in times when I felt no one else could really understand. You’ve never judged me for acting silly or childish, for my worries or fears, and you’ve kept my secrets when I needed an outlet in confidence. Thank you.
Now, I have to say that I’m sorry, because I’m about to ruin one of the most important friendships I’ve ever had. Alas, if I don’t get this out, I worry that I’ll just keep feeling this way. I feel like I’ve been lying to you… and your wife, who I’ve considered a friend. I hate myself for not being a true friend to her. A true friend wouldn’t be so envious of what she has. I’d rather you just hate me, like I hate myself, so maybe it’ll be easier in the long run. Several months ago I started realizing something that made me physically sick to my stomach. Hell, I even stopped speaking to you other than our “good mornings” and “goodbyes” for a while there. I wonder now if you even noticed my absence during those times… I instantly missed our talks about our mutual interests and life. I missed how happy I was before, and decided I’d rather have a friendship with you than have nothing at all. I decided that I would figure out the rest on the fly. I hoped that it eventually would go away, but instead it has grown.
In a way, it doesn’t surprise me at all. In another world, I wouldn’t feel like such an awful human being, even though I know the end result would be the same; you distancing yourself from me. I don’t blame you at all for doing so, just so we’re clear on that before I continue. I’m sure there are others who have seen you the way that I do, but perhaps they were clever enough to shut it down. I mean, anyone can see how wonderful you are. You’re intelligence leaves me in awe at times. Your kindness and patience has mended my broken self on countless occasions. When you flash that smile and your piercing eyes shine with excitement over something, it makes my heart skip a beat. Not to mention how handsome you are… and with that hair! Ah, jeez. I figure if I’m getting this out in the open, I might as well embarrass myself to the fullest of my abilities, right? It’s not like I can make this any worse than it already is. I know this isn’t fair, and again, I know that even if certain circumstances were different, I amount to nothing compared to you. I know these words make me seem extremely stupid (and perhaps I am), but I’m not THAT clueless.
I’m such a terrible human being. I know it. I promise that I’ve tried to turn it off. I can’t find the switch. I search and search and find nothing. I’m tired of lying to myself and lying to you. I’ve tried just not talking to you, but that doesn’t make it disappear. I’m sorry. I am so very sorry. Nothing will ever be the same, but at least I won’t feel like I’m lying anymore. At least I can free myself from that part, and free you from a toxic friendship…