• To the boy I begged to stay, thank you for leaving.

    by  • November 2, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Moving On • 0 Comments

    I believed you were my forever. I thought I was lucky to have my high school sweetheart as my one true love. I never imagined a future without you because you were so embedded in my life and I loved you with every fiber of my being.

    After five and a half years together, you decided you were done. You’d had enough and didn’t want to try anymore. It hit me like an unexpected freight train.

    The worst part was the way you did it. You didn’t meet me in person; you waited for me to leave for the summer. You didn’t make a decisive statement that we were over; you said you thought you needed some space. You didn’t give me any reason; you just didn’t want to put in the effort a relationship needs.

    I spent days at work in a fog, fighting against the tears, and when I couldn’t, going to the bathroom to cry. I spent many nights not sleeping, crying on the phone with my best friends, my mom, my sister, and worst of all, you. You had me fooled that you were still there for me and that there was a chance you’d be back in my life with a little time. I begged for an explanation, for more from you, for another chance.

    But then it clicked. No explanation would be enough. I could not make you want to try. I needed to give myself another chance – a chance to love myself first and be the best person I could be, on my own. So I cut you out – cold turkey, no more contact. I deleted you from my social media outlets. I let go of your family as well because as much as it hurt to say goodbye, it hurt more to keep them around.

    You broke my heart and made me experience the worst pain I have ever felt. I hit lows I didn’t know existed, where I couldn’t eat or sleep. The pain came in waves. At first, they were frequent and strong but ever so slowly they slowed and lessened.

    I focused my energy on the important goals I had for the summer before this unexpected change. I worked out. I studied. I went to work every day and forged friendships with the people around me.

    Once the initial heartbreak and pain faded, the fog that had blinded me for so long lifted. I could so clearly see how toxic you had been to my life, my happiness and my progress. I had let you cripple me for years, making me self-conscious about every decision I made by constantly questioning me.

    As independent as I had grow through college, whenever I was back with you, I was a shell of the person I knew I should be. And now, while it has only been five months, I am a much stronger, happier person. I know what I want to accomplish and more importantly, what I never want to put up with again.

    So I hold true to what I told you when we last spoke: I truly hope you find whatever it is that makes you happy. Because by leaving me, you helped me find what makes me happy again.

    While the pain occasionally creeps back in, I know that this experience was necessary for my growth. I will never again let someone else control my life as much as I unknowingly let you and I will certainly never again beg for someone to remain in my life.

    Thank you for showing me how a man should never treat a woman. Thank you for being a coward and for breaking my heart. And most of all, thank you for leaving me when I couldn’t see that you staying would have caused me even more pain.

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