Sometimes it makes me really sad how our friendship fizzled out. Mostly because we used to have so much in common, and some of it we still do. We both still like to cook, travel, read, and obsess over random books and other nerdy things. But somewhere along the line we stopped really connecting over those things and after a time all I could see were the things about you that annoyed the shit out of me.
What I’ll never be able to figure out is if the Erin* I knew is still hiding in you or if the person you became at college is really just you now. Spending time with Janice and Jessica seemed like a way to bring you out of your shell, which would have been great except their tools were alcohol, desperate party maneuvers, and bad advice on what to text guys who honestly weren’t into you. I know that our 20’s are supposed to have some of that stuff but not every weekend. There’s a limit to how many stupid stories and decisions a friend can condone before they lose it; my threshold was pretty low to begin with, I’ll admit. At one point, it almost seemed like you wanted to fail. You straight up would ignore the advice of not just me, but my Big as well, both of us then in very happy long term relationships. Instead, you’d listen to the perpetually single Jessica or the enduring-a-slew-of-abusive-assholes Janice. Maybe that was because you could relate to them more? I really don’t know but it perplexed me so much and when things went south, it took all my will power not to say ‘I told you so.’
And then when you started bashing me behind my back to Carol, things got even worse. It’s like you lost all respect for me and what tattered remains of our friendship was left. I think that’s when I knew I was officially done. I think back a lot and wonder if there was any turning point, if there was any way I could have somehow gotten you to listen to me or stay the person I was best friends with but as an adult, I’ve come to realize that people do change and not always for the better. I’m sure you’ll figure things out in time, but now I know that I really just outgrew you. We both changed, it’s just I went in one direction and you went in another. That’s okay because while I’m happy with the way I changed, I’ll still miss my awkward friend who always wanted to hang out, who sat in the corner of French class, who traipsed across France with me, who always would get me to go out to bars and parties, and who helped me realize I truly didn’t ‘need no man to be me.’
I’ll always miss that old friend and though it’s been hard, I’m hoping this letter helps me let go of any resentment I still feel so that one day I can truly wish you the best of luck. Be safe, and I really do hope you find the job and relationship you’ve been searching for.
Best, Your Sidewinded Friend