-If I could tell you right now I’d say miss you. I know it’s been a long time and I’ve fucked up…lots of times. But honestly I miss you. I know I have made a fool out of myself lately…more than once. But I hope you can see past that. If not, I completely understand. I just need to tell you one last time and I think it’s because in the back of my mind I think you’re still wanting me too. But if you’re not I need you to tell me no, for the final time so I can know that it’s over so that I can move on for certain without any inkling that maybe just maybe one day you’re gonna show back up into my life.
Because honestly I’ve been thinking about you. It makes me not study. It makes me listen to your music. It makes me wonder what we’d be doing right now if I hadn’t been so irrational..so impatient..so unprepared for you. And that’s the realization I’ve had. I wasn’t prepared. I did need this time apart and it made me realize that for some reason I do still love you. Every time I pushed you away and said I didn’t there was always a part of me wondering if I was being honest. I kept saying it because I didn’t even understand how the hell I could be doing such horrible things to you and love you. And I don’t think I was prepared. I wasn’t ready to meet someone I loved that much and just be fine without the knowing what else there was. You didn’t get it so I lied and said no, it’s fine. I’ve had my crazy stage..well maybe I had begun it and then stopped suddenly to try to be apart of your world and I loved it. Until I had to go back to school and people were crazy again. And I wanted that. I am not justifying anything I did…It’s just what I honestly feel. But I’ve done it…and now I find myself laying in bed not doing my homework because I want you next to me on your tablet reading though work emails. I want to glance over at you and know that you would rather be holding me.
I think about the times in the apartment. I miss that. I know I truly did love you and I still feel it. And if you don’t, it’s really fine. Because I am too late. I know that. If you were ever to come back to me it would have to be for real. For the last time. To be with me.