I know I am nuts, that is why I just post on here.
It’s been over two decades and I am still trying to heal.
I wish we could just talk for a couple hours.
I really need to understand everything.
I feel so guilty, sorry, lonely, stupid, etc.
You know I know your secret and I hope you know now that I have the same one.
Well, mine is not a complete secret, I did tell her 13 years ago. That did not go well, maybe another time…..anyway.
One of the fears I had back then was “I was crazy”, that you were not actually sending me signals.
Another was “He will never tell me”, it will always be like this.
Well I FUCKED up, I was not actually crazy. I start dating seriously and my best friend (you) disappear from my life in a flash. I could not even force my way into your life, still can’t. But I have no reason from you, and that’s how I know you loved me.
Funny thing is, you never came out, your 47 and never married, I don’t even think you have had sex with a man (But that is just a guess from what I learn from people we know or knew). I heard you were engaged at some point but not now, don’t do it, you are gay (wish someone said that to me). There I said it, the “gay” word.
So I wasn’t actually the fool? Your still stuck 24 years later, why?
Is it me, did I break you?
I know I am still broken, so it is possible.
Why stay broken? It’s been 24 years, is there any way we can talk?
We never told each other anything about how we felt. And, why I felt I had to give up on us.
I loved you more than anyone ever, but I never told you.
I still do even thou you probably changed a lot.
How can two people be so fucked up when we never kissed, dated or had sex?
I miss you.