• I Miss You

    by  • November 2, 2016 • Anger • 1 Comment

    Dear John,
    You’ve been gone for 8 years now and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m more saddened by what I haven’t done than by your absence. You died so suddenly, there was no preparation. The two years immediately following your death were the hardest. I don’t think our oldest daughter will ever get over losing you. Oh, all the children miss you; but the oldest holds you high on a pedestal of perfection. She hates me while yearning for some magical bond with me that I cannot give her.
    I’ve failed the children in so many ways. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve to be their mother. I continue to try and fake my way through this life. Fuck… there’s so much to say… the words escape me, drowned out by an ocean of feeling that silences me while simultaneously making me want to scream in rage and frustration. I look back and feel robbed of so much!!! God damn you.

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    One Response to I Miss You

    1. Peter C
      November 4, 2016 at 4:28 pm

      I wish I could say something to make this easier for you. It is especially cruel that John died so suddenly, that there was so little time to prepare & say what needed saying. No wonder you are still so angry, and why your oldest is especially angry.

      We all fail our children in lots of ways; you are not unique, and that does not mean you are less of a mother. It just happens that you are trying to do it all by yourself, while dealing with a terrible loss at the same time. Eight years can feel like just months when your rage and grief are still inside you.

      But – eight years is also a long time. It is easy to get locked into a permanent state of sadness, grief and anger. It is easy for this to not change, especially if it keeps getting reinforced. I wonder, perhaps eight years is enough? Perhaps this coming year, 2017, is the year that John can finally rest, when you can finally, gently, set him down? You have carried him along with you for so, so long. Maybe your time has come, maybe it will be here very soon for you. Perhaps it will soon be time to move forward.

      There are ways of dealing with all this. Often, the right kind of therapy can go a long ways. For you, I think gestalt therapy might be especially healing. There is so much that still needs saying. You can ping me at peterc_private at yahoo dot com if you wish.

      Let me know if you’d like any help on next steps.

      best,
      Peter




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