You’ve been gone for 8 years now and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m more saddened by what I haven’t done than by your absence. You died so suddenly, there was no preparation. The two years immediately following your death were the hardest. I don’t think our oldest daughter will ever get over losing you. Oh, all the children miss you; but the oldest holds you high on a pedestal of perfection. She hates me while yearning for some magical bond with me that I cannot give her.
I’ve failed the children in so many ways. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve to be their mother. I continue to try and fake my way through this life. Fuck… there’s so much to say… the words escape me, drowned out by an ocean of feeling that silences me while simultaneously making me want to scream in rage and frustration. I look back and feel robbed of so much!!! God damn you.