• The words I can’t say

    by  • October 29, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 1 Comment

    Dear Best Friend,

    I woke up this morning with you on my mind and I haven’t been able to shake you from my thoughts. From my awakening of joy and comfort and wholeness which I always seem to feel when you are around, my mind slowly took over from my dreams and I was overcome with a stinging pain. A pain of knowing that the feeling was only an illusion and you were not here with me and you never would be, not in the way I needed you to be.

    As my subconscious joy was impeached by reality, questions began to stampede through my mind, leaving my joy in shambles. What are you doing right now? Is she with you? Do you really love her the way I know I could love you, if you let me? These questions have been chipping away at me all day and left me at a mere shadow of the woman I was when I first opened my eyes.

    I can’t ever explain to you why I caught them. Feelings I mean. I think the only way to think about is that they caught me. I wasn’t looking for them, I didn’t expect them and I don’t want them because I know these feelings of mine have the ability to rip you from me. They have the ability to cause us both pain, that is why you can’t ever know about them.

    My mind tries to talk my heart out of feeling these thing but it is useless. You always have known I feel first and think later, this is no exception to that. Except when I used to blindly feel for people in the past, it was because I wanted the parts of them I didn’t know, I chased the mystery and the excitement. This time its different, this time it is you. There is no mystery, no offence, and no chasing a fantasy. There was no spark or instant feelings. This is far more than that, this is something that grows and won’t stop growing. This is a love of you, with all your faults, not a chase.

    Somehow you have broken down every wall I have ever built and have an innate ability to make me feel completely and unapologetically myself. You make me laugh when laughing seems impossible and make feel safe when a world feels like it’s caving in and you don’t even have to say a word. That is why I have trusted you and relied on your friendship through everything. You are my best friend and without you, life would just be a mess of unrelated events.

    You will never get to read this letter though, this letter is not really for you but for me. I can never tell you these things because I cannot stand the thought of not having you in my life, for not having you stand by be through all my messed up relationships and family feuds. I want our friendship to stay unchanged. I want you to remain the boy sitting at the table in the local pub with his twisp in his hand, his hair hanging over his eyes and his lager in front of him, laughing freely with me for hours as we talk about nothing at all. It is in those moments that I feel like myself and when I see the true you, that is the true us. But if I told you about all these feelings, those moments will never be the same. You would become the boy that I always loved but who never loved me back, my laughter would be held back by the shame and embarrassment of rejection and pain.

    You are my strength, my light, my rock and my warmth, but you will never just be ‘mine’. That is something I have to find a way to be okay with and just hope that you will be happy with her and that she won’t take the spark out of your eye. Then maybe, one day, I will find someone else that makes me feel authentically myself like you do and perhaps then this won’t hurt as much.

    Love always,

    Your best friend and the girl whose heart you stole

    One Response to The words I can’t say

    1. Angee
      October 29, 2016 at 6:10 pm

      I feel like I wrote this about the guy I love. I’m sorry you’re feeling this too.

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