• I held out hope

    by  • October 29, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 4 Comments

    I feel really different at the moment. I’ve been going through a bit of a depressed period lately; this isn’t something abnormal for me. I’m not good with uncertainty and currently am not really sure exactly the pathway I will be taking in order to continue progressing with my life. I will get there eventually, but currently am taking one day at a time rather than focussing on how much time is going by that might have been unproductive, etc.

    As much as deep down I would never want to shut you out and wouldn’t walk away from you.
    I kind of feel lately like I am gaining some choice back in. I.e. By completely staying away and by not even allowing any hope of reconciliation to enter my thoughts as a priority, I feel strangely slightly better in that for once I have made the decision to protect myself by keeping myself away from anything or anyone that I feel could influence me in a way I can’t be sure of. It’s not that at all it would be a bad thing that you approached me, because like said I wouldn’t walk away. However, I feel unable to persist with holding the hope that you do want to reconnect because, I have kept that open for so long. In addition to, while i am uncertain with my own pathway, I kind of feel by letting you in, that it could be the worst possible mistake when I currently need supportive people around me at the moment, not anyone that is unrightfully judgemental or with unethical motives. I am not saying this is how I perceive you, but I feel that I must protect myself from any chance of that right now. I can’t trust that in 1-2 months to 2 years you would possibly want anything to with me. As much as I idolise you in a sense and I think you are an amazing, strong, inspirational person; you don’t really know, know me now because we have not been in contact,
    I also feel that you do things irregularly, I.e. You could one minute want absolutely nothing to do with me and the next it’s almost like you can’t leave me alone.
    I just didn’t know what you wanted and still don’t really know to be honest. The only logical thought I have about it is that you didn’t want me to think of you negatively, despite what happened. Which honestly, I no longer hold any anger or upset towards and really hope that you don’t. I do understand. What I will never understand however, is why after the first time, you then really pushed me away. Maybe you were protecting yourself, maybe you thought it wasn’t appropriate to have any type of conversation with me, I don’t know. I know now I would have never behaved in the same way, I would have been so much more reserved, but I know I still would have been confused had you still physically reacted in the same way…
    I don’t really 100% get it. I want to, but I don’t. I don’t know if you enjoy messing with people’s emotions or whether you just wanted to give some sign that you were still around in some way. It’s something I would never think to do, but then you would probably never even think to respond how I did to you. Please just know this stemmed from complete confusion from what I thought were physical reactions. Although it looked really like I was playing a guessing game… It made me look more like an insane fool.
    I don’t know how you are now, but I really hope things are going really well and you are doing okay. I’m not a horrible person if that’s how you now think of me. But I can’t keep worrying how you might perceive me because after all you are not present in my life and haven’t been for a long time.
    That time when we properly saw each other was so strange; I actually thought that we were going to reconnect and all bad feeling would be put away. However, I could not bring myself to say I knew who you were despite you dropping hints just in case you acted like you had no idea what I was talking about. Being completely honest, I really didn’t want the bus to come. It sounds really weird, but it kind of reassured me in a sense that it seemed like you didn’t actually hold any hate towards me.
    You put me at ease without needing to say a word. Which is weird, because I don’t think I’ve ever had that type of relationship with anyone else. I really didn’t want to leave and liked being close to you. I was so desperate to touch you to hug you. But, I darent.
    I still stupidly really miss you. I miss what you were to me so maybe part of who I was before I miss. Although logically thinking, I would never want to be that person again. That someone who made ridiculous assumptions and jumped to unethical, conclusions.
    I’m not that person now and I’m pretty sure you’ve probably changed a bit. After all, reflections on life change as you experience different things…

    4 Responses to I held out hope

    1. @author
      October 29, 2016 at 7:15 pm

      I understand…

    2. J
      October 29, 2016 at 11:51 pm


    3. K to @J
      October 30, 2016 at 2:33 am

      I didn’t write this, but I can identify with it. Not a KLE but a KC

    4. @J on
      October 30, 2016 at 3:13 pm

      I love those initials KLE. Its ELK backwards! 😉

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