• About Today

    by  • October 26, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 9 Comments

    Today was an incredibly hard day for me. The hardest I’ve had in a really long time. I cut the last ties that bound me to the only group of friends I still have. I had to give up something I greatly enjoy. One of my very favorite things in fact that I look forward to every year. My rationale that I told one of them was that “I’d rather have no friends than bad friends.”

    I made a public announcement to this group that I was no longer interested in participating in our activity that we have done together for probably 7 or 8 years. I understood the consequences of my actions. I knew that it was very likely that I would never see or speak to any of them every again. I thought about it long and hard. I envisioned the future I want to have with you, and being afraid to ask you to marry me because I wouldn’t have a best man or any friends to invite to the wedding. But this is something I felt like I had to do. For a long time now I have felt disrespected, ostracized, and taken for granted if not largely ignored. And its hard, because this wasn’t some random grouping of friends; this was supposed to be a brotherhood. But it never was for me. And I have so much anger inside about the numerous slights that have occurred over the years. I keep losing it and flying off the handle at things that probably aren’t that big of a deal on their own. Everything that happens becomes an extension of past wrongs and I cant let go of any of it because its clear that none of these people have changed since I’ve known them, and I doubt they ever will. For what its worth I probably haven’t either. Maybe a little. But at any rate, I had to remove myself from the longest tenured friends I have. All of them.

    So with a heavy heart, I did just that. There’s a funny thing about telling yourself you have nothing to lose. That’s the moment you lose something else you had forgotten about. I realized after I did it, the true ramifications of my actions, the impact it would have on an already very lonely existence. But I still don’t regret it.

    As it turned out, a few of them reached out to me privately. The ones I expected. And I confronted them. About the ways I felt they had wronged me. Some of this stuff happened almost ten years ago and I just internalized it all and never said a word. It felt good to say what I had been feeling. I had long discussions with three of them. One of them gave me his perspective on what had happened, and while it didn’t change my exclusion from something that was important to me, at least he was honest about what happened and seemed to deeply regret the way things played out. Another one of them was also honest, in admitting that while I was intentionally excluded from another event, its because I haven’t been a very good friend either. I know that he was right. The third just denied culpability for his role in yet another exclusion. But in the process of opening up and confronting him I remembered some times he had helped me out when I asked for it. Some incidents that my anger had obscured from my memory. A fourth reached out, someone who never wronged me, but was in fact probably even more ostracized and wronged than I have been. He just wanted me to know he understood why i did what I did.

    All in all, I lost probably at least a dozen friends today. But at least one of the three I directly confronted, maybe 2, maybe even all three, my friendship with them was validated because I could see that they did really care about me. And in a rather serendipitous turn of events, as word spread of my actions, another couple friends that I really like but had unfortunately lost contact with years ago reached out to catch up. I know that I need to do a better job at being a better friend to the 3-6 of these guys that are still interested in my friendship, even after I disavowed everything that bounded our group together for the last decade. And I fully intend to. If I gained a few much stronger friendships through this process at the expense of many friendships I didn’t care that much about, then this will be a very hard fought victory for me.

    But it was so hard. So emotionally draining. And that’s why I’m writing to you now. Because when I got home all I could think about is how much I wish you were there with me. So I could just lay my head in your lap and close my eyes and maybe cry just a little bit. A big piece of me died today. I hope that in the long run I will be better for it. But I am just so exhausted right now.

    I love you.

    9 Responses to About Today

    1. You know who
      October 26, 2016 at 6:05 pm

      Will always be there for you.

    2. Friend
      October 26, 2016 at 6:08 pm

      Tony its ok. Its going to be alright. Love you.

    3. AJ
      October 28, 2016 at 6:56 am

      I had a friend, who was going through something that sounded very similar. She’s been singing with this…”church”, and many strange accusations were thrown her way. It was such an odd environment, that she would make copies of cards she would give to members in her conversations; in the LIKELY event that someone would create drama, surrounding the card.

      I used to tell her, often: “You cannot be everything to everyone.” It isn’t possible. And I say good for you, as you saw that this was no longer beneficial for you.


    4. If you
      October 28, 2016 at 1:10 pm

      decided that was what was best for you then I’m glad you took the steps and in the process were able to find a few who wanted to make amends.

    5. It's hard losing friends.
      October 29, 2016 at 3:16 pm

      If they are bad friends – then you are better off without them. It is hard making new friends that’s for sure but do it slowly and make sure you vet everybody who comes your orbit. I have a child so my yardstick is – would I be comfortable with this person around my kid? would I leave my kid with this person? If I even have the slightest doubt – they aren’t in my circle. I have a very small circle. My last relationship that I wanted to be with so much never ever even met my youngest kid – and we were together over a year. As the relationship progressed I knew I would never be comfortable with him in my home and while I was going to address it with him and try to work on those reasons why (drugs) we broke up for other reasons (alcohol) prior to then.

      I’ve lost and gained many friends over my lifetime and you come to know it’s just the natural ebb and flow of life. People come and people go. I do have long standing friends but in the main – the people you hang out with today won’t be the people you hang out with in five years time. Especially if your life is changing a lot – changing jobs, towns, careers etc.

      Good luck finding the right kind of people to be around.

    6. @friend
      October 31, 2016 at 2:35 am

      I never knew you wanted to work on us, thats part of the reason I fell. Do you know how heartbreaking it was, watching the slow demise, the silent trearneant, made to feel worthless the more you pulled away. My strength faltered when I said no more the first & only time I said I’m done. From then on you became a ghost, for no matter how hard I tried, whatever I did the way in which you never made time for me destroyed me. Over twelve years ago since I had any, on New Years tioo. To hear you say this now is hard. I can imagine how hard it was for you. I’m sorry. I have only myself to blame. You’ll be glad that I’ve neither Since December 1st. I never will or have again. Thank you for now knowing you did love me.as much as I love you..Aways have, always will. I miss you. Want you, us, you & I. Forever understanding now. It means so much you wouldn’t believe me.

      Once your more thsn best Friend.

      • Friend
        November 2, 2016 at 1:39 pm

        Tony I was scared because of everything that was happening even scared of rejection from you so I thought you didnt feel the same way about me. Thats why I tried to keep my distance. It hurts knowing that I love you but never have the chance to actually love you. You dont know how hard it is to look at you and not literally fall apart. I get so closed off because I am afraid that I will act a fool around you and things will get awkward. It hurts me more so because I loved you and still do with all of my heart and soul. You have actually ruined me for others,lol. I have tried to be strong but I guess I am not good at being that. I want you, I want us and I want a future and life with you. Even if I had an hour to spend time with you before the world ends I would take that. I have imagined you so many times with my family. I wish you were part of us to know them like I really know them, both good and bad. My family is crazy but we love each other so much even though we drive each other insane and I would love to have you experience that with me. To be part of that crazyness. I sometimes look at my father while he is making jokes and telling stories about his life and I cant help but wish with such longing in my heart that you were part of that, bonding with him, laughing and just being a family. I feel that so strongly because I know your dad is not with us and I just wish you could have that again. It would really be nice if you knew him like I do, to enjoy him like I do. I love all of them, each and every one of my family. Each one a piece of the puzzle in my life put together by God for His enjoyment. Every time I look and think about them I feel all the different faces of God in my life, its actually enchanting. I love your family too and wish that I was really a part of you and yours. To really get to know them as you do. To be there for them always. I miss chatting with you.

        Tonyzozo is there a middle ground that we can actually reach between you and I. An agreement to never ever put each other through that ever again and to just love one another with everything we have. I love you. I want to be with you now and always.

        P.S: I dont know if you are the Tony I know but I just felt that I had to vent my feelings. This is the only outlet for me. A release of how I truly feel and wish for things to be. I know we cant all have what we want but it doesnt change one from wishing. If you are not him then I wish you all the luck and blessings in the world. I wish for your happiness. If I cant be happy with the one I love doesnt mean that you shouldnt.

        Thank you for replying to my comment

    7. This is the proof I need :)
      November 6, 2016 at 6:27 am

      For your sanity I hope it all works out well for the both of you. S, did you know I thought this to be true about your feelings for him? It was quite obvious actually. Your Fakebook feed, for one. All your photos were of the past. You & him. Secondly you excuse why you kept his last name…was BS. Your FB was a shrine to him, so if he looks at it…. I hope you sort this out, reconciliate, move on or at least be at peace. Why I say this coming from someone who yph supposedly loved but couldn’t have for the truth is you heart was already taken. Until whatever outcome happens don’t keep destroying other men who your trying to fill the gap with. And by that I mean Tony’s ghost. This is me being honest & in no way am I attacking you verbally. I say this with the love I had for you. I’m still recovering from the emotional abuse that you won’t admit to doing. This letter has finally set me free. If only….I love it when people say that lol, you were as honest or real as I. I caught you out many times. I had proof too. Why is not my problem. That’d something you have to live with. Also stop painting beautiful pictures when they aren’t. I don’t believe in true love anymore. I don’t trust women. Im a survivor unlike you. For all I said, I take it back for you never deserved my love. From a man who was made to think he did wrong & mistreated you when all along it was you. I feel sorry for Tony as what you say here isn’t what you adimantky said about him & all that the horror he inflicted on you. Tony, believe in yourself for this is not your fault. Aside from her sister her family is dysfunctional that I could never understand why the prenrs were married. Anyhiow good luck youll both need it.

      Thankyou admin, this is why I was so confused & made a fool out of. Why I havney been the same since. You judged me too. Negatively. I was right. All along. A man who once believed in love. Up to you if you edit this last bit out or publish this. It needs to be heard by her for her own sake. For me it hopefully means I will stop writing soon…..Thank you.

      • Friend
        November 7, 2016 at 3:40 pm

        @This is the proof I need πŸ™‚

        You must be mistaking my comment for someone else you think you know in real life. First, I have never been in a relationship with you. I just used this site to vent out my feelings because its what I have always been keeping inside and hoped would reach the right person though it seems I commented on the wrong persons post thinking it was him because some things sounded so familiar. I have no facebook shrine of anyone in my life nor do I have photos of any man with me on the net unless you planted those in your plot. Stop hurting yourself with assumptions of what is going on. I am sorry you dont trust women and that you dont believe in love, if that is how in fact you feel. You just gave that person permission to control you and your life. You are no survivor believe me. A survivor is one who through all pain triumphs and still comes out intact even though scarred. A survivor continues to believe in good and love despite what they went through. Continues to believe in love even though they were taken advantage of. Continues to hold out hope that there is so much better things out there in the world for them and the people around them, even though they have gone through hell and back because of their situations in life. A survivor does not let situations dictate to them the outcome of their lives including emotional,mental and spiritual wellbeing. That my friend is a survivor.

        I hope for your sake you find healing through all the torment you are going through. Healing for your mind,soul,spirit and body. You need it not only for yourself but also for the benefit of your future and those around you.

        Its funny though how only one small aspect seems to be correct. Lol.

        Lol. I mean really, lol. You need to improve on your writing skills. You need to add on more imagination than that and stop trying to sound as if you know whats going on,lol. YOUR PLOT SOUNDS FISHY,LOL. YOUR STORYLINE DOESNT CORRELATE. IT REEKS OF NONSENSE THEREFORE I HAVE COME TO A CONCLUSION OF TWO THEORIES.

        This is my theory:
        I believe that you are Tony’s girl. You go on sites and try to find information about me because somehow you found out about me which makes me believe that you think that Tony likes me too and you dont want that to happen. You are scared because you invested all those years in a man and found out he likes someone else and is not sure whether to continue on. You are scared because you are afraid to be alone. To start over again when you have given so much of yourself and pray so hard that things go your way. Deep down you know that I speak the truth. You know that he likes me and I love him and you are trying to confuse the situation because of your desperation. I dont know what you think you are doing but it wont last for long you know. The truth will be revealed one day. What was meant to be will be and what will be will be.

        So please, stop insinuating as if things are ok between you two because its not. Stop pretending that you are him cause you are not. Stop trying to be desperate.

        This might be one of my flighty theories,lol.

        Second theory:
        I might be wrong on the first theory,lol and this might be you Tony and are trying to let me down gently because you want us to stay friends. You dont want to hurt my feelings. Its ok you know. If you dont love me, you dont love me, but it wont stop me from venting about my feelings for you. I will vent until there is no vent left in me. I see your spirit. I see how you think and feel. Anyway life goes on my man. Still love you even though you dont love me back. Whats funny is that things will always circulate that way with us. You know what I mean though. We still have a long way to go before all this makes any sense in the end.

        P.S: I am 100% sane if you wanted to know. Doesnt mean when I am honest about what is and what is not makes me bonkers,lol.

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