• Why can’t I just be happy

    by  • October 24, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 1 Comment

    I wake up depressed most days, and those feelings linger until i’ve had a few cups of coffee. I have to regulate my caffeine consumption throughout the day as my mood fluctuates. As the buzz dies off I become sad and tired again so I drink another cup so I can focus and be productive. When I get home the first thing I do is make myself a drink. I drink every night, maybe 4 or 6 drinks, enough to dull myself. I wake up the next day and start over again.

    I’m sure you see it as a weakness, that I have so much trouble just getting through every single day of my life. How can a person who hates himself so much every truly love another, right? But I do. And its only whenever you make me feel like I matter to you that I experience any real happiness at all. Of course that not very often. You have you own happy life I don’t even exist in.

    I’ll never understand why you hated me so much. And I can’t decide now what’s worse, you hating me to this day or not even remembering who I am. Whether my love to you was detestable or completely unmemorable. I guess I’ll ponder on that for a few minutes, and then I’ll have a coffee.

    One Response to Why can’t I just be happy

    1. BG
      October 30, 2016 at 8:49 pm

      MJP is this you?

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