• Alone

    by  • October 24, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 0 Comments

    You both lied to me a few days ago.

    I don’t know if its the first time you’ve done it or maybe the fiftieth. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised, just mildly disappointed. But for some reason that lie really hurt. I was use to being left out by you two, the third wheel, and in some ways I had come to terms with that. I was the person who introduced you to each other and somehow got you to become the best of friends. Its an accomplishment I wish I could be proud of but now I just feel bitter and petty.

    That lie you told me in the morning; about how you needed a cheerleader costume for your dance competition, I almost believed you. Until you blatantly spoke to a girl in our study class 2 hours later about how you had just bought a cheerleader costume for the party in the weekend. You both laughed and giggled about the party, right in front of my face as if you hadn’t told me something different just hours before. As if it didn’t matter that you had lied to me then proceeded to shove that lie in my face. The fact I wasn’t invited to a party wasn’t what pained me. The fact that both of my best friends would lie to me and omit to the truth did.

    I took my books a few moments later, smiled, and told you that I was going to help another friend in an empty class room with some school work.

    You both smile back and asked me for my Biology notes.

    I smiled back and gave them to you before going to the empty room where 3 of our other friends in our group where sitting. I sat there, in the room, and a friend tried to comfort me after I told her what had happened. This friend knelt close to me and asked if I was okay. And for the first time ever, I cried in front of them.

    I was the kind of friend who comforted others. I belong to a large group of friends and have been there whenever someone has cried through a family or pet death. But, I have never cried in front of others. But this time I found myself, face in hands, crying and crying and crying over a stupid lie. That friend tries to comfort me, the two other ones sitting behind me in the empty classroom not knowing what to do as I just sit there crying my eyes out. I’ve never been so emotionally unstable in front of them, never sad. I was always tried to be the happiest in the group; trying o make all my classmates smile.

    But I think that lie you told me was my breaking point.

    It reminded me of the times I would be at sleepovers with you two and just sit there listening to you have your own conversation. How I would ask you what you were talking about, the inside jokes you were sharing, and how you’d both just say that it wasn’t important. It was important to me; it was our friendship. I gave my all into our friendship. I let one of you take my formal date so you could have a fun night then both of you go to parties with your formal groups without telling me. You both talk about how you’re going to have so much fun on holiday together like you do every year without me. There was so much you would talk about, about yourselves, that after all that was finished, there was nothing left to say.

    It finally felt like our friendship was slipping through the cracks. And I think the waterworks happened because I was all too familiar with this feeling. I had already lost two best friends in a row a year before and that had left me emotionally aware of how those closest to you can betray your trust. They both said that they were my best friends, only to leave for other people when it came to their benefit. I feel like I’m only used by others so that they can climb up the popularity ladder at school. And to make things worse, I believe that its happening again.

    There has to be something wrong with me. Why do I always get used by others? I swear I’m being as good of a friend as possible. I care for my friends well-being and help them as much as I can to be better. Yet, as soon as this happens, they just ditch me for better people.

    Now I feel sad. Alone.

    I don’t want to take the term ‘depression’ for granted, I know that depression is a serious matter. But some days, like that day that I had a mental-breakdown, I truly feel like I’m depressed. I hope that one day I can look past this stress that I’m feeling and be happy with my life.

    I wrote this to vent my feelings and honestly don’t think anyone will read this. But thank you anyways.<3

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