• What I think about.

    by  • October 23, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 8 Comments

    Please, you don’t owe me any apologies or explanations. I know how life is, what it could become. I’m doing what I can to keep my head out of the gutter, I have no idea where this life is leading me. I really appreciate knowing that you’ve thought of me, but please don’t be afraid to forget. The foolishness of youth has indeed played a trick on me. I’ve seen evil on this earth, and yeah its all caused by greed. I don’t know how some people live with themselves with the things they’ve done. Even witnessing evil, makes it impossible to live peacefully. The negativity really gets to me sometimes, and like, nobody understands, nobody cares to understand. Maybe I have some sorta unexplainable aura around me that makes people think that I’m stronger than I actually am, that I could handle everything that comes at me, truth is, I’m scared, I’m alone, and I can’t think of a time that I felt safe, loved, than when I was with you. I really didn’t realize what I had until I had nothing at all. I don’t even remember why I left. Ces’t la vie.

    8 Responses to What I think about.

    1. Hi
      October 23, 2016 at 3:30 am

      Hi WS.

    2. Anonymous
      October 23, 2016 at 11:39 am


      I apologized because I did not have the strength to tell you, I still struggle to say it because you have a wall up.
      I apologized because I ran so far and so fast, I lost control of everything and lost you.
      I apologized because I did have the strength for both of us, I was just a coward and ran instead.
      I apologized because I am your fucking person, and I let you down.
      I explained because you act like you have no idea what I am talking about.
      I explained because you never understood my internal struggles.
      I explained because you had no way of knowing if it was real or if you were crazy. You are not crazy.
      Of course I thought of you, I will never stop thinking of you.

      I can’t fix time, I can’t fix pain, but I can try to be there with my hand out to help you.
      To teach you to love who you are, because you are wonderful.
      To show you what you had, what you HAVE, and what you felt, was real, and is real.

      You can’t fully accept love from another until you love yourself.
      Fear and survival can be stronger than love.
      People always say “take a leap of faith”, whatever, I don’t believe in that shit anymore.
      But something about it is still true, even if you faith is not with a higher being, you can’t stay frozen in fear.
      You don’t need to start with a leap, sometimes a tiny step is all you need to find the hand I am holding out for you.
      Let me try and help you love yourself, let me try and help you to not be afraid anymore.


    3. If you don't even remember
      October 23, 2016 at 3:04 pm

      it must not have been important to you or you must be an idiot to just give up so easily.

      In the way the world is, and most seem to think of me – I feel exactly the same.

    4. Anonymous
      October 23, 2016 at 5:39 pm

      Oh, I forgot.

      The gutter is good! πŸ™‚

    5. I wish I could
      October 24, 2016 at 1:05 am

      If you didn’t remember why you left, then how are you able to write about them? Guilt?

    6. Anonymous
      October 24, 2016 at 8:09 am

      I need to be a bit more clear because I am mixing reality with fantasy. I let my thoughts wander into fantasy on here but I need to also be grounded in case you are actually reading my posts.

      I know the likelihood of everything working out is super low. There are so many obstacles to overcome.
      It seems impossible, but I never stop asking the universe to “Make it so” in the least obtrusive mannor for everyone.
      What I will do when that day comes, brace yourself πŸ™‚ .

      Anyway, all that said, being apart does not have to mean isolation or secrets. I want to me able to communicate without our “elephant” in the room. I mean, it served us well, it was a great pet, poddy trained and all, but sometimes we need to ask it to leave the room.

      When I use the phrase “hand I am holding out for you”, I mean hand, ear, shoulder, etc. I am very familiar with the
      daily feelings, hiding, lying, and pain. I may have built a larger fortress to hide behind, but I feel just a vulnerable and lonely. I want to talk about what happened, and then put it behind us. Eventually, maybe you might be able to tell me things like, “omg, someone flirted with me today, I am going to die”, I’ll prolly growl a bit, but everyone needs to feel sexy and as much as I want to tell you every day, I can’t.

      Hey, that reminds me. Post a couple of Facebook pics of yourself as “public” accessible please. You have one and your looking away. Sometimes I just want to see your face, arms, chest…….I better stop. πŸ™‚
      There is a reason not to be FB friends right now, one being, I don’t want you looking and thinking, he is soo happy without me. Because it is fake, it’s a theatre show for other people, not you.
      I can make some public as well.

      Remember, let’s start taking a couple baby steps between us. I will try and provide “safe” signals, and you do the same until we can open that door. It’s been closed and locked a long time and might be a little stuck, but I have the patients and the KEY. ;-P


    7. Anonymous
      October 24, 2016 at 11:22 am

      I’m chatty today. πŸ™‚

      A couple of baby steps we can take.:

      FB pics, I will have to see what I have.

      Can you post with your initial, maybe?


    8. DT
      October 24, 2016 at 9:19 pm

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