I’ve wondered this for awhile. What’s been going through your head about me lately? There is a lot to think about. A lot to analyze.
I was the girl who loved you.
And you know that.
You were the girl who loved me.
And I know that.
There was an undeniable pull between us for those four years, and I’m not sure when I will be able to move past it. I haven’t seen you in five months. It’s all over. But tonight, it officially ended.
I show this tough exterior. I convince myself I don’t care, that I can go on without a single scar. Without a single tear. Without even breaking down for awhile.
Well, I was wrong.
Stuff in my life is even worse then when I told you about the bad stuff going on. That now looks like child’s play compared to my current predicament.
Things went weird last night. I felt off. As per usual, without you around. But I’ve been holding back all of these emotions for so long that they hit me with the biggest wave in existence. My being crumbled and I sobbed. I cried so hard I could taste blood. You know what I’ve been hiding? From everyone? From myself? What I’ve never admitted out loud?
I miss you. I love you. It’s over I haven’t seen you in all of these months and that’s the longest I’ve ever gone. I saw you almost everyday for four years. And now. Just like that. You’re gone. And it’s so huge and painful for me I couldn’t even feel it until now. I still don’t think I’ve felt all of it.
I was with a trusted person. But the last thing I wanted was for him to see me fall so low. For him to see me break, unable to stand and ready to sleep in the cold outside because my every step reminded me of how you walked, my every breath reminded me of how you breathed. My every word I heard your voice instead.
I cry, I say softly but with all the passion in the world, I loved her, I love her, I miss her. I can’t ever go back. I probably won’t ever see her again.
She knew my feelings. But I never got to tell her. My father tells me if we ever see her anywhere, that I say nothing to her. That she has said the last words she’ll ever say to me. He thinks it’s a comforting statement. It should be. But it isn’t. I haven’t said my last words to her. If I see you, anywhere, I don’t care where it is. I don’t know how you will act towards me. I don’t know if you will even understand the significance. But I will fall into your arms as I did so many times before, and tell you flat out how much i love you. How I always have. So you know.
I hate that I feel this way. I hate that this is my situation. I hate that I can’t talk to you. I hate that any of our conversations went with you saying most of the words and me being completely weak.
I could barely stand in your presence and now I can’t stand without you.
It’s hitting me, you know? Oceans. Ocean waves are hitting me again and again mercilessly.
I don’t want you back in my life. You drained the life from me. And I am so different now. I might as well have been reborn. The change was for me but it was also because of you. You messed me up.
I just miss that complicated simplicity. When things were bad, but at least I had you to see. At least I had you to make my head spin and make me feel as though my life was worth living.
I hope you think of me sometimes. I hope I run into you one of these days. You cut all ties with me tonight knowing it would break my heart more then you already have. Congratulations, you have succeeded. And I should be happy, glad that such a negative, sick person is officially gone from my life. I should be angry with you.
But I’m not. There is not. Was not. Will ever be anything you could ever do that would kill my feelings. I wish there was. But there isn’t. Four years of you owning my heart and it goes on. Please give it back.
I hope, with everything in me, and there isn’t much left, that you are well.
All my love