?This is weird. But it’s not like you’re ever gonna see it. Before you assume, i don’t like you. I don’t like like you. I think. I just have a thing for you. Yes, yes, you can tell me I’m weird again… because i am, so i really don’t care.
It’s stupid because I’m not even sure i trust you at all. You’re just too smart for my own good.
Here are some of the things i never told you, and never will. Because it’s not in my interest to do so, and it wouldn’t matter anyway.
The thing is…i can’t figure you out.
You’re so confident but you also seem so insecure and i don’t know what you actually are and feel like. It’s frustrating actually.
I wish we were closer. I wish i didn’t get so awkward every time you’re around. Like, REALLY awkward…you make me so nervous. Every time you look at me with those excruciatingly beautiful eyes that i fucking adore so much, I feel like you’re looking into my soul. And I’m already very socially awkward, i already embarrass myself a lot but when you’re around, it’s just 100x worse.
I wish i took the opportunities i had, which were a lot, so many chances to get closer to you…i always end up fucking up so I’m sorry. You think I’m a creepy weirdo, which i am. But you make it so much worse…
Wow, this sounds so creepy haha
I wish I had kissed you. Hugged you more times, like a lot more times. I wish I’d told how much i actually cared at that time, a long long time ago, and at that time, so very recently.
Your voice fucking kills me. I love listening to it haha i know, creepy again, but it’s true, i really like your voice, i really like your big warm hands.
I love when you stare at me with that smirk of yours. Your eyes have such intensity, you have so much charisma. I love your eyes so much, it’s not fair.
I like almost everything in you really, which is absolutely not good.
I feel so stupid for all of this. Because it’s truly pathetic that I’m writing this…especially since I’m Skyping you with a couple of other friends right now. And I’m not talking. You make me unstable. I’m sorry i am this way.
I wish you knew how much i cried on that Saturday night. That week, you told me you’d leave the school at the end of the year. And that night i just couldn’t sleep, i couldn’t stop thinking, i missed you already, so i cried. A lot. Maybe if you knew that, you’d realize i cared, i care.
We broke up no long after, i guess. You ended up never leaving the school and here we are, our last year here. You broke up with me because you said you thought i didn’t like you. After the Christmas break i didn’t go to meet you. I really wanted to but my embarrassment wouldn’t let me. The truth is, i liked you so much and, hear this now because it’s so important, i really cared and care about you, i really liked you. I DIDN’T WANNA BOTHER YOU, SMOTHER YOU. And if i could go back, i would. But i can’t. It was bad, because i already knew you were gonna do that before it happened, because other people told me you said you were going to. So i never cried for you again. I just felt drained. Dramatic, i know. But i honestly didn’t have tears to shed. I cried only once that day and it was really brief. I saw my current best friend, at the time he was in your class, before both our classes got joined together (that was awkward in the first year huh, i regret a few things), and i tried to call him at lunch, i needed to know if the rumors were true, i needed to hear it from him! But he didn’t hear me, the despair took over and i sobbed for 5 seconds, but never again.
The school year isn’t that far from ending, i guess i could keep trying to, i don’t know, be better friends with you? Because that’s all i want, having you near me.
You’re not constant though…
But anyway, when it does end, I’m never seeing you again, probably.
These words don’t really matter, they’re not important, i shouldn’t even be writing them…but it feels good to vent, it feels good to have it out there.
I wish i held your hand that one time, i wish I’d held it longer that other time. I wish it was all different. I don’t love you, but i care. I wish i didn’t have any regrets. You always hear “In the end you only regret what you didn’t do”. I don’t think it’s true, you regret stuff you did, but the phrase definitely has some fundament. I regret a lot i did, but i regret a lot i didn’t do. Sorry for everything, i wish we were closer, i wish it was all amazing.
I wish i told you all of this, but i didn’t, and i don’t think I ever will.