• The letter ill never send

    by  • October 21, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments


    Some god damn way you’ll always seep into my thoughts. It’s gotten bad lately. I honestly thought admitting it would help me forget all this but it’s only made it worse. I know deep down part of me will always want you back. I don’t even know why anymore. Maybe it was love. Maybe i’ve never been able to love anyone that way because i’ve used them in hopes to replace the part of me that belonged to you. It failed. Part of me is extemely guilty for even trying. I had honelstly hoped it would work. That i’d fall so madly in love with someone else that you were forgotten completely. I’ve never compared anyone to you.. Never tried to replace you. Just erase that with the bliss of being someone else’s love. It never worked. Deep down in my heart will always be heartbroken. It will always long for you. Sadly we wil never have that chance. We talked, once upon a time, of working on purselves.. Getting everything in order education and finance wise and trying again. Though that day may never come. You told me once, after we split, that no matter what happened id always have a place wkth you. I never could tell if you meant in your life.. Or just a memory you burried in your heart. When you messaged me about having got a letter that brought back old memories and wanting to talk.. I had forgotten i’d wrote one at the time…i just recently got a message about a reply and realized what that was.. If you ever read this just know… I tried to tell you. I’m too afraid to do so directly so when i realized you tried to reach out to me (and i shut down the conversation for the sake of reducing backlash from my ex)it was on my mind.. For a while now. So being the coward i am about letting you, or anyone, know that some how.. I still have feelings for you.. I wrote a typo riddled confession and sent it before i came to my senses. Googles auto fill screwed me over and put my full contact info in the same line.. Luckily the webmaster understood and fixed it. Though now my name is forever tied to the site because google never forgets. Anyway.. The letter id never send.. It would say how much i truly care for you. You then.. You now.. Who youll become. Good or bad i know the great man you are and i’ll always love you. You were hard on me.. And now i know why. I wish i could have been the perfect person for you. I wish i’d have tried harder for you. Mostly i wish i’d let you love me and return that love the right way. The things i’d been through made me terrified to let anyone care.. Or let myself. It always ended poorly. The letter i’d never send confesses how i’d still give it a shot.. If only we could commit to starting that the right way. Forgive our pasts and move forward. The letter would tell you that i’m curremtly single.. But honestly not entirely detatched. He wants to work on stuff. He doesn’t want to lose me but i’ve seen little change and won’t likely be wanting more time with this. It’s mostly for mutual benefit at this point. The letter i can’t send would explain that but this isn’t that letter. This is me tricking my mind into forgetting about how disappointed i am with myself right now for not just saying screw it and telling you all this directly. But i’m sure if you even felt anything for me.. If you felt close to like i do you’d be terrified like me. I don’t want to hurt you and if we tried and failed once more we would go through all that twice for nothing. It still stands.. You’ll always be the one that got away.. The one i miss the most. You’ll always have a piece of my heart and your love will haunt me until i die. I live a good life regardless.. Just wish more than anything you could be a part of it somehow. If you felt anything still.. Just once more.. Tell me one last time and ill be honest with you. No matter how difficult. I’m sorry for everything. Including this.. It might not be easy. But if you’ve ever wondered if it’s worth it.. We can find out. -K

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