You packed a lot into a relatively small letter, and I feel like I should address it all. Not sure if it was for me or not, but it resonated far more than most letters, so Ill proceed accordingly.
First of all, I think the most important thing for me to say at this juncture is that when it comes to you, I will absolutely take what I can get. I love you, in every sense of the word. If you just want to be friends, I accept that. I hope you will understand that I will always want more, but if I’ve learned anything over the last couple years its that nothing is worse than not having you in my life at all.
Trust. It’s hard. I know for me, its been something I’ve had issues with my entire life when it comes to women. Like I can pinpoint specific events and know why its still hard for me today. I certainly don’t just hand trust out to any and all, but I don’t think I’m a lost cause when it comes to earning my trust either. And I think that its worth it too. I cant tell you…there is sooo much I wanted to share with you. About my life, the good and the bad. The things I’m proud of and the things I’m ashamed of that I would never tell anyone else. I wanted to tell you everything. But whenever I tried, I felt like you wouldn’t care, or you would hurt me. Like I said, some of that is you, but a lot of it is my past experiences with women. I know that’s not fair to you, and I’m sorry. But it is an aspect of the flawed me that I am. The thing is, I think its very similar for you. I can speculate as to the reasons why, but it doesn’t really matter. Just know that whatever your trust issues may be rooted in, I tried so hard to break through them. And I think that if I felt like you trusted me more, I could have trusted you more. Sorry if that’s a little catch 22ish.
I know you have someone else very special in your life. And as trite as it may sound, your happiness really is the most important thing to me. But indulge please me, and let me make my pitch:
I cant offer you a lavish lifestyle, at least right now. I cant promise I wont sometimes lash out at you, though I am working on that. You’re right, forgiveness is not in my nature, although I am trying to work on that too. There’s a reason why I don’t have any current friendships stemming from my childhood, or even high school for that matter. You have every reason to believe that there is no future with me. But…
I love you. As much as any person could love another. You are an incredible young
woman, and I love everything that makes you so amazing even if you sometimes don’t see it yourself. I love your flaws too. Even our darkest, most painful moments together, today I treasure, because despite everything else, I was still with you. I loved you when you were in my life, and I love you now even after years of us not talking. There is literally nothing you can say or do to stop me from loving you. That much must be clear.
You speak of uncertainty. Honestly, I don’t know how to better express my intentions. If I did, I surely would do so. But what is love if not a blind leap of faith. I have already taken that plunge, and I am waiting for you to join me. YOU are the most important person in my world, and no matter what, that is not going to change. There is nothing in this world that can separate you from me, because in my heart you reside permanently. If I ever have the fortune of calling you mine, I will devote my life to making you happy and making you feel loved and safe and wanted. And still, you are so amazing, I fear that is not enough. But I promise you, I will give you everything that is within me, every day, as long as I should live. There is some time passed that we will never have together. You say your best is gone, but you are so wrong. Your best, our best, is yet to come. And it is prolonged, and it is beautiful. You may not see that now, maybe you never will. But I believe that undoubtedly; indeed it is the engine that drives my life and gives me purpose. Let me love you, and I promise we will have our happily ever after.