If you do not understand why I just won’t say I was in love with you, I will try to explain (I used the word ‘WAS’ but read on. I still have huge feelings, but they are based on years ago. I want to fall in love with you again, today).
I want to say it in person to your face, not in some feeling-less text box. That is why I was trying to make plans with you, and I think you might have figured that out already and that is why you stopped communicating. I felt your fear and I understand it, I am scared out of my mind too. It seems so complex and hopeless, but I know it is not.
I am also not 100% sure I am not just nuts, it’s one thing if you say no to my face, it’s another to have something you can show and discuss with our friends. I trust you but accidental poor choices in the moment could prove to be very bad (Like trusting someone to keep a secret who has a history of being a gossip and caused major drama over the years with multiple people). I love her but, don’t discuss this with her.
It’s your turn to engage, isn’t it? We both have fear, but I have tried to show that it’s ok to talk about this between us.
I know my current situation is a mess that needs to be cleaned up, I know we have miles between us, but I need to know I am not just walking into nothing.
All these things I want to discuss and more. It is going to take time. I am not trying to thrust you or us into the public eye. It may stay private for a long time or even forever. If I am just nuts, tell me, I am not going to go all fatal attraction on you but I might question a couple signals you sent along the way.
I want to be with the person I love, the person I have no comparison for, the person I was born to be with.
I know I had my chance and I fucked it up, maybe you think you fucked up too. I now demand that the universe give us a second chance. Both of us have paid our dues from childhood until now, the deck was stacked against us, it’s time for our lives to become something wonderful.
I demand it, I command it!