I keep telling myself I’m not petty, that I don’t give a fuck what other girls do because yeah they’re my friends but I’m not some codependent child who needs constant approval and praise from everyone in my life, but fuck it would be nice to have anything at all.
I keep saying I don’t care that some girl whose name I barely knew a year ago is now calling my best friend her best friend. That my best friend keeps insisting that I’m one of the most important people in her life and that she’s sorry she’s been a bad friend, she’s just suuuuuuper busy and then goes out of her way to send me snaps of her and this other girl hanging out literally every night. But I do care and it hurts like hell. I’m an adult woman and it hurts because right now, I don’t have anybody else. I have my fiance. But that’s not the same thing.
I keep trying to convince myself that I can turn to some of my other high school best friends but the best one of all is starting a family halfway across the country, and the other lied to our mutual acquaintances about my fiance being a rapist and I’m so angry I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive her (I know it’s a lie because while they did have sex, both of them told me unprompted that she gave a clear affirmative answer that she wanted to do it).
And I’m trying really hard to be a good person, to be the kind of person I’d want to be around, but it seems like the extra effort doesn’t do anything but wear me down. I’m trying to get help with all my depression and social anxiety, I really am, but sometimes I worry this is as good as it gets. I worry that I’ll always feel alone and rejected and second choice. I worry that no one appreciates how hard I’m trying to keep it together on my own so I don’t have to bother them with all my petty problems. But I’m hear because I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.