• Best Friend

    by  • October 21, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 2 Comments

    It’s weird because i swear i don’t like you but i also don’t dislike you and it makes no sense at all, who are you to do this to me??? I should not be jealous of someone i’m not romantically interested in. You honest to god make me so damn angry, but i always look forward to having your attention, to have you near. You’re never near me. You don’t care do you? And it’s been getting harder, i don’t really know why. It’s dumb, i know. I don’t want you near anyone else, i want you to see me. Maybe its just my ego demanding attention. Am i just too egocentric??? I know very little about what i’m doing and i have no idea what i’m feeling most of the time. I’m not completely happy but i’m also not sad per se, you know?? Of course you don’t. I don’t really know what i’m doing, maybe just making sense of my emotions, but i don’t know if i wanna do that. Maybe i’m better off in the dark.
    You know, I’ve actually been fighting with myself, because i wanna give you the cold shoulder. You know what’s really horrible of me?? You’re my best friend but i desperately want you out of my life. I want you out, but i can’t, i cant exclude you, i can’t let you go, and it’s bullshit. I’m so sick of you. Sometimes i think maybe you only go to such efforts to make me angry to see if i’ll finally stop bothering you. Maybe i should. I know i should, but i can’t. I feel stupidly blessed to be friends with you, which is really freaking dumb. Like, seriously. But that’s as far as my self worth goes, honestly. I’m horrible, aren’t i?? I’m not deserving enough. And then when people say those things to me, to you, to us… it just makes me wonder…are they that crazy for saying that?? I always think of you first when most things happen, you know?? Of course you don’t. You know a lot, but you really don’t know anything, do you?? Why would you give me more time of your day? Honest question. I think about you a lot, I worry about you, I just want you to be okay. It’s not like you’ll ever read this haha and I’ll never tell you anything. I think i’m very slowly getting away from you. I need to stop this. I love you so much, i actually care about you so much. You’re my best friend, no more than that, and i don’t want more than that. I think. I don’t want more than that, honestly. It’s annoying that my brain does this. Is it horrible that i just kinda wish you were a better friend…? That you came nearer? No one needs to tell me, i know how disgusting that sounded. I’m disgusting and egocentric, but i just wanted someone perfect. Which i realize is hardly realistic. And gross. I’m a horrible, egocentric person. UGH, why can’t i be gentle and understanding with myself even if no one else but me is around to hear or read or judge???? Why do i hate myself so much?? Why do i feel so much fucking guilt????? But Im straying. I guess that’s all. You puzzle me boy. And i’m really sorry. I realize i’m not that great.

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    2 Responses to Best Friend

    1. @author
      October 21, 2016 at 6:38 pm

      To me you are absolutely perfect…. I love everything about you. Even this side of you. Mmmm mmmm mmmm

      I have never met such a deep soul. What an honour.

      I love you so much.




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    2. @author
      October 22, 2016 at 3:04 am

      If its just friendship you want then I am ok with that. It would be hard at first because of the deeper feelings I have for you, but I can keep those in check. I would keep them in check if it meant I got to have you in my life as a friend. You mean the world to me. I want to be a better friend. You have to let me be nearer to you. You keep me at bay.

      Love B




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