• Teary Eye and Torn Apart

    by  • October 18, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Regret • 0 Comments

    I am lost without you. Let me please have a one sided conversation with you. I asked you not to respond last time because it would only hurt me and you did anyway, I did not read your response I deleted it. this time let me just write you. Its harmless for you. My heart breaks every day I wake with the reminder that you are out of my life. I try to forget you and us. I try to remember the bad times and it is not enough for me. That, I suppose was the point. You had enough, and I had not. I loved you and you did not. I sometimes wonder if I had not given you everything I had would you have not fallen out of love with me? Was it the chase or the thought that you were not my number one concern that made you so devoted for so long. It wasn’t until you began to stand on your own two feet that you realized you didn’t need me. You no longer respected me in the end. I wonder if you felt anything the night you looked me in the face and said you didn’t love me anymore. I wonder if you knew in Vegas that you didn’t love me anymore. I wonder if you ever felt regret for how you handled things or treated me or if the outcome was exactly what you wanted? I wonder if you ever thought about me at all and then I wonder how you became so cold. How you were suddenly gone and how you could be relieved to be rid of me? Was I so terrible? Was I so awful to you? Was my depression so bad that it made you resent me? When I was angry with you and we would fight, was I so terrible. I keep reaching out to you because I still love you and I pray and hope to be rid of those feelings one day. I keep reaching out to you because I so desperately want a sign that you could one day find a home in me the way I found a home in you. But you were clear this will never happen. You will never look back. You will never love me again. Those absolute statements you gave me are what strike fear in my heart. I play it over and over again and I wait to understand why I deserved that? What did I do to you to let you be so cruel? I know I was awful in bed. I know it was important to you and I failed. I keep trying to figure out how it made you feel. If I knew how it made you feel then I would understand your cruelty. I don’t know if you anticipated or even cared what that would do to me. I have no self-esteem. I put on a face every day so others do not see that I have no self-esteem but you let me know I will never be able to satisfy a man. Can you understand even a little what it feels like? To know something you cannot control will keep you from ever finding a companion. I am inadequate and I have failed. I failed you. You are who you are today because of the reactions you had to my actions or inactions (and others, I am not so obtuse that I believe I control all). It kills me inside to think I have affected you negatively, that I could have possibly caused you to be who you are today in a negative manner. Oh my love, I am in so much pain. I am in so much pain. The greatest fear I had has come true and I suffer over you. I am sure you now read this and are glad to be rid of me. I sometimes feel my heart ache for you. To have you absent from every good time and bad. I had never truly leaned on anyone for support the way I did with you. Maybe that was my mistake. I can offer you nothing now. I can offer you nothing you would want. I am what I am and you didn’t want me the first time. I can only ask that you pray (even though you don’t believe) for my peace. Please Alec think of me fondly. Please respect me enough not to talk to whomever the next girl is and list my faults. Please do not smear my name to friends and family anymore. Its not that I care what they think so much as the thought of you listing off why I wasn’t good enough for you is agonizing. I am in love with you. Please just feel good about that and please just ask for my peace. I cannot explain to you what it feels like to have lost your best friend and the love of your life because you were not good enough and you were incapable of meeting their needs. I can only tell you that there is someone in this world who you didn’t ask for or want who loves you. Who thinks about you. And… who let you go. The hardest thing you can ever do in this world is love something and let it go. You are free of me my love.

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