• I miss you.

    by  • October 18, 2016 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 0 Comments

    I used to count the days since the last time I saw you. Now, I just know it’s been a pretty long time. But I still remember your laugh, and the way your whole face crinkles up when you smile. Your smile lines are especially my favorite. They would only show when you were genuinely happy.
    When you sleep, you smile sometimes. One thing I remember is the first time you fell asleep next to me, you stopped breathing for a couple seconds and I freaked out. And I feel like I should tell you that every time you fell asleep, I would sing you a song. You said you wanted to hear me sing, but I told you I wouldn’t because I didn’t have a good singing voice. It went something like, “Are you sleeping, can you hear me, do you know if I am by your side? Does it matter if you hear me? When the morning comes I’ll be there by your side.” That’s the only part that I would sing, because that’s the only part I could remember. After we broke up, though, I looked up the lyrics, and the next verse is “And in the morning when I wake up, she will be telling me goodbye, lalalala, and in the evening if we break up, I’m wondering why.” So I guess that’s kind of ironic.
    This is our story. You were the first person I ever loved, and the only so far. We had staring contests until one of us broke it for a kiss. We spent so many days snuggled up with each other, and just listening to your heart beat made me feel so safe. There’s no other person I wanted to be with then, and there’s no other person I want to be with now. I’ve had to let go of that, though, because I know you’re not coming back for me. For a while I sort of had some hope in my heart that you would, but I had to decided whether I was going to let that hold me back or not. By the time you come back from training to be a national guard, I’ll be gone. I will have graduated, and moved back to Washington, and I will hold onto my memories of you forever.
    I know you regret me. You were unfaithful to her, and you left her to be with me. And I know you’ll never feel right about that, but I want you to know that you helped me so much. You made me a better person. When I met you, I wanted to be better for you. I quit skipping school, I quit doing drugs, and you helped me recover from an eating disorder. You may not realize the kind of impact you made on my life, but I promise that you helped me more than you hurt me. When we broke up, I turned back to drugs, and I stopped eating and even stopped coming home for a while, but I realized that it wasn’t right. That wasn’t me anymore. I’m a different person now than who I was before I met you. I’m still figuring out who I am, and all that cliche stuff, but you brought me one step closer to becoming the person that I need to be.
    I remember after the breakup, it felt like my guts were strewn out all over the places we went together. Our best friends’ houses, the movie theater, all the back roads you took me on, all the trails we explored. It seemed like everywhere I went, I found a piece of you. It was summer still, but the sky always looked gray to me. My clothes and my sheets all smelled like you. I still had your jacket, and your favorite hat. I wanted to bury them at The Tower. You don’t know where that is, but that was the first place I ever went with a boy. It doesn’t make much sense, but it felt right to bury it there. It’s one of the most important places of my memories. It didn’t represent you. It represented passion turning into heartbreak. I couldn’t find it. I drove and drove, but I just couldn’t find the road that would take me there. Coincidentally, you left your truck at our friend’s house because somebody had come and picked you up from there. Our friend gave me permission to come by, and your truck was unlocked. I folded up the jacket and left it with your hat on the passenger side. I also left a note. It was a journal entry I wrote while we were still together, and it said “I never thought much about my future, but I know that I want him to be in it.”
    The night I accidentally got locked in the spare bedroom at my aunt’s house, you texted me. This was before I knew I was going to fall in love with you. The lock was on the outside of the door, and I accidentally locked myself in while everyone was sleeping. My only way out was the window, so I climbed out of it. We were texting that entire night. You told me to look up at the stars, because you were looking up at them too. The moon was so beautiful that night. That’s when we decided that the moon was going to be us. You set the little facebook emoji to a moon and always sent it to me when you knew I was sleeping. We never said goodnight, or goodbye. We would talk from the minute we woke up to the minute one of us passed out. Every letter I wrote for you, I signed with a little moon. The first time we broke up, you told me that broke your heart.
    Ordering chinese takeout, watching our favorite TV shows, taking naps together, making new trails with the four wheeler. I remember all the details so vividly. I remember dancing in the kitchen while we waited for our chicken nuggets to finish cooking in the microwave. I remember trying to take showers together, but one of us would always end up having to get washed in cold water.
    I remember the last day we spent together, just me and you. We had already broken up by then, but we ended up snuggling up together for a nap anyway. I remember fighting with you. I remember asking if you’d ever come back. I remember driving down the back roads again, going to all the spots we knew, trying to see if what we had would spark again. Trying to get you to hold my hand. I felt like I lost my best friend.
    I remember the goodbye party our friends had for me, because I was going away for the rest of the summer, to stay with my aunt. I wanted you to be there, and you were. I think we focused more on each other than anybody else. Just friends. We threw a football back and forth for what seemed like hours while everybody else was playing some other game. One of us would drop it, we would laugh, and I felt the spark come back. And it broke my heart each time that you didn’t run over and pick me up in your arms and kiss me all over.
    I remember the night you broke up with me. I didn’t know how to handle it. I had you. You were mine, and you were wonderful. You was more than I had ever hoped for. It was love, and I had it. But then, in a few words, I didn’t. And no matter how many times I try to explain that to myself, I just don’t understand.
    I remember the day I told you I loved you for the first time. I said it first, but eventually you did say it back. You wrapped your arms around me and kissed me on the top of the head. I was warm and cozy in your jacket, and the sunset made everything a beautiful shade of orange and it was an amazing feeling.
    I remember the first time I saw you cry. It was after we broke up, and we were in your truck, and I was crying. You held my hand and made me promise that I was going to be okay, and then I made you promise it back. We promised each other everything was going to be okay. I knew it was a promise we couldn’t keep, but we’d already broken so many already as it is. Why not make another one.
    I’ve been trying to move on. I’ve tried seeing other people, and meeting new people, but it seems like no matter how wonderful they are, or how perfect they seem for me, they just aren’t right for me because they aren’t you. They don’t give me the same feeling you did when I first met you. So, I always end up just letting go of them, hoping one day I’ll fall in love again, the way I fell for you.
    I wonder how you’re doing at basic training. I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re getting lots of letters. I hope that the next time we see each other, it won’t hurt so much. I wish you the best of luck in life. Thank you for everything, and I’m sorry for everything. Especially for the timing.
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